Inner Critic |
Earlier this year, I felt a slow-burning anger coming to the surface. Not the explosive kind, but the kind that simmers: irritability, constant frustration, impatience, judgment (mostly with myself), and subtle resentment way out of proportion to whatever was happening in the moment.
The kind that makes you wonder, Why am I so angry, and where the hell is this coming from?
Around the same time, a friend suggested I start recording morning VoiceNotes. Journaling had always been something I felt I should do, another requirement on the perfect-morning-to-have-a-successful-day list. And, to be totally transparent, writing can stop me in my tracks. Being seen, taking a stance, expressing myself freely wasn’t particularly safe for me growing up.
Speaking is different. Put me on a stage, and I’m in my element. Put me in front of a blank page and apparently all bets are off.
So I started setting a timer for 20 minutes and talking about everything and nothing at all. Meandering. Letting whatever wanted to bubble up, bubble up.
One morning, I heard myself say something that stopped me cold:
“I’ve learned to mask that feral little child. Which is why I think I’m so angry.”
I could see her: a feral little girl in the corner of a dark room, clothes tattered, hair scattered, ready to lash out at whatever came toward her, even help, kindness, or care.
Scared. Small. Unsafe. Fierce and protective as hell.
As I sat with that image, I began to see the mask for what it was: performance. And performance is exhausting. Like, bone-tired exhausting.
That exhaustion had been fueling my anger, much of it directed inward like a red-hot laser. At myself, for not doing enough, being enough, being too much, trying too hard and somehow not hard enough…all at the same time.
She’d been silently influencing my adult life.
The more I sat with her, the more I began to see where she was still showing up, keeping me “safe” in ways I hadn’t recognized before:
Performing instead of risking being fully seen.
Refusing to appear weak instead of asking for help.
Staying busy instead of creating and sharing.
Researching instead of publishing.
Protecting rather than participating.
And I started to wonder if maybe anger wasn’t the problem I’d made it out to be. Maybe it was information. Maybe it was showing me just how exhausted I’d become from protecting, editing my truth, checking my tone, and pretending I was fine. Maybe the anger had been trying to tell me something all along.
When I paused long enough to get truly curious, this came to me:
The body learned safety long before the mind learned strategy.
And that changed the questions I was asking.
If she was still making decisions for me at 61, what else had I never questioned?
What had I mistaken for “just who I am” that was actually protection?
What if anger wasn’t the beginning of the story, but the end of a much older one?
The more I stayed with those questions, the more three patterns emerged.
Awareness | the Pause
When I loosened my grip on the anger long enough to get curious about it, I began to see something I hadn’t seen before.
The feral little girl wasn’t the real insight.
Recognizing that she was still running parts of my adult life was.
And she wasn’t only protecting herself from pain. She was protecting herself from being perceived.
I started noticing how many of the things that triggered my anger and frustration had something to do with visibility: writing, asking for help, making sales calls, monitoring my tone, showing uncertainty.
They all required the same thing.
Someone else had to see me.
That’s what the Pause gave me: enough space to see the pattern instead of simply continuing to live inside it.
Without that space, anger was just anger. Frustration was frustration. Avoidance was another thing to judge myself for.
Once I could see the thread connecting them, I had something different to work with.
Awareness reveals the pattern.
But seeing the pattern only led to another question:
How did those experiences shape the way I learned to move through the world?
Conditioning | the Lens
This one was especially eye-opening for me; the more I noticed the patterns, the more I could unhook from them.
I can’t tell you how many business owners I’ve heard say, with deep frustration and more than a touch of self-loathing, “I know what to do. Why am I not doing it…what’s wrong with me?!”
I’ll admit, I’ve asked myself that same uncomfortable question far more times than I care to admit.
What I’ve discovered is that conditioning is relational, not a personal flaw, even though it can deeply feel like one. The ways we learned to override ourselves didn’t happen in isolation; they happened in relationship.
I didn’t wake up one morning and consciously choose those conditions. I learned, interaction by interaction, what brought connection and what threatened it. What earned approval…and what so clearly did not. When it was safer to speak and when it was better to stay quiet.
Family, culture, community, religion, school, work, gender norms—all of it contributes to the relational calculations we made about how to stay safe, belong, be loved, or remain accepted. This shows up in boundaries, too. It’s hard to hold a boundary around your capacity, with a client, colleague, or even a friend, when you’ve learned that disappointing someone threatens connection or belonging. It can be just as hard to speak up when experience has taught you that disagreement comes with judgment and consequences.
Which shifted the question again.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
I started asking, “Where did I learn this?”
I needed context to understand how strategies that once helped me navigate the world had become so familiar I’d mistaken them for character flaws, or simply who I am.
And that brought me to a harder realization: I didn’t invent these strategies. I learned them.
Conditioning explains why we often can’t ‘see’ it.
Choice | the Path
Choice becomes possible when the automatic is no longer completely invisible.
Seeing and understanding the pattern didn’t make it disappear. It gave me enough room to respond to it differently.
In fact, just a few weeks ago, a friend generously offered to mention one of my articles in her newsletter and link to it. My automatic reaction was frustration.
Well, really, it was shame.
I’d started a handful of articles with her help and hadn’t finished any of them. Her thoughtful offer triggered that feral little girl—for about a minute.
But this time I could see it for what it was: shame dressed up as frustration. And because I could see it, I could more readily choose a different path. The defensiveness shifted to compassion for myself and gratitude for my friend.
In the VoiceNote I mentioned at the beginning, I said I wanted to “bring that feral little girl out and love on her and show her that it’s safe.”
Which is exactly what I did.
Once something can be seen and understood, it’s easier to question more intentionally.
Not erased.
Not judged.
But held differently.
Now, when I catch myself getting angry, defensive, or what I like to call “a snaggled-tooth grump,” I know there’s a good chance I’m reacting rather than intentionally choosing.
That’s where a little agency returns, and life opens up.
The conditions haven’t disappeared. I can see more clearly when an old protection pattern has muscled its way in. And choice doesn’t have to be some gigantic act of courage. Sometimes it’s simply recognizing that old pattern and asking whether I still need it or if it’s time to let it go.
Choice isn’t about becoming someone entirely new. It’s about deciding whether old strategies still deserve to make today’s decisions.
She’s still with me
She’s still there; she probably always will be.
I’m still going to feel her anger. She’ll still protect. The difference is that her protection no longer automatically determines what happens next.
I can notice her protection without allowing it to define me .
It’s not that everything is healed; it’s that she no longer has to hide.
When I sense myself masking, performing, or editing my truth, I ask (with compassion and without judgment):
What if, instead of judging what I’m doing, I get curious about what taught me I needed to (do it?) [ or what taught me I needed to do it in the first place]?
What if the thing you’ve been judging in yourself has been trying to tell you something all along?
Business Success |
For a long time, many of us have been quietly carrying the same story:
“I’m fine.”
Fine enough to:
Keep going. Stay productive. Not make things awkward.
I know I’ve done this more times than I care to admit. As a daughter, wife, mom, business owner, and friend, “fine” became a way of moving through the world without slowing things down or making others uncomfortable.
So when Brooke B. Sellas’ recent article, “I’m Done Pretending I’m Fine,” stopped me mid-slurp during my morning coffee a few weeks ago, it landed hard. It named something (uncomfortably) familiar, and inspired me to dig a bit deeper into this pattern.
The Future You Want Can’t Be Built While Performing “Fine”
“I’m done pretending I’m fine,”
When, or how, did we learn to pretend everything is “fine”?
Rarely all at once. More often, it happens quietly, through small moments of adaptation, subtle cues, and unspoken expectations that teach us what’s safe to show and what’s better kept to ourselves.
In my 10 years as a business coach, what I’ve noticed time and time again is this:
Conditioning is relational, not a personal flaw– meaning, the ways we learned to override ourselves didn’t happen in isolation. They happened in relationship.
In other words:
we didn’t learn how to be alone; we learned how to be with others.
Those conditions came from:
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Childhood
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Culture
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Religion
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Gender expectations
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Workplace dynamics
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Early experiences of being seen, judged, or misunderstood
These created unconscious, embodied “safety rules” that still run in adulthood…in our relationships and in our business.
What matters here is this:
These “safety rules” weren’t conscious choices. They were adaptations, ways of staying connected, capable, or accepted when honesty didn’t feel so safe.
Over time, those adaptations became habits. And those habits became invisible.
So when we find ourselves performing or managing perception instead of trusting our inner signal, saying “I’m fine,” it’s not a lack of clarity or courage.
It’s a learned response.
This is the space between knowing and doing. And often, the work begins when pretending stops working.
Which brings me to a moment Brooke named so clearly in her article, “The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Fine.”
From Managing Perception to Trusting Ourselves
“The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Fine.”
When we manage perception, we stay focused on how we’re seen instead of what we’re sensing, what is true for us that we keep stuffing down or ignoring. We check our tone, edit our truth, and perform “fine” to keep things moving, relationships smooth, and expectations intact.
But that performance comes at a cost.
Each time we override that inner signal, we weaken our relationship to ourselves. Not because we’re doing something wrong—but because self-trust can’t grow in a system that rewards adaptation over honesty.
The moment we admit we aren’t fine isn’t a failure. It’s a return to the truth that’s been waiting quietly underneath the performance.
And from there, something shifts. Less managing. More listening. Less proving. More choosing.
That’s where trusting ourselves begins.
Pretending is exhausting because it requires self-betrayal.
And no matter how well we perform, “fine,” freedom can’t grow in a system that asks us to leave ourselves behind.
Freedom Doesn’t Start with Fixing
“And weirdly? That felt freeing.”
For many of us, especially women, the reflex to fix, optimize, or push past what our bodies are telling us was learned early. And it worked. It kept things moving. It earned approval, stability, or success. Over time, though, that reflex turns inward. The moment something feels off, we go looking for what needs correction.
But what if the discomfort isn’t a flaw to fix, but a signal asking for different conditions?
Not more effort or more strategy. But more self-trust, improved boundaries, and the capacity to hold the consequences that can come from trusting ourselves.
Freedom doesn’t come from erasing what’s uncomfortable. It comes from creating enough structure and safety to stay present with it—long enough to listen.
This is where self-trust deepens. Not through fixing, but through staying in relationship with what’s true.
From there, freedom stops feeling like something to earn. It becomes something you’re already orienting toward, one honest choice at a time.
Many of us aren’t just tired.
We’re done managing perception at the expense of reality, aka our health: mental, physical, emotional, relational, and financial.
Pretending works…until it doesn’t.
What changed for Brooke wasn’t the capacity to handle; it was permission.
“When you stop pretending, you can finally start fixing.”
Because pretending requires not trusting your own signals. Fixing requires listening to them.
Yes, it’s New Year’s Day, everyone is full throttle, setting goals and mapping strategies, yet you don’t have to fix everything today, or even this quarter. But you do have to tell yourself the truth about where you’re at and what you want changed.
Because self-trust isn’t built by pretending things are fine.
It’s built the moment you stop needing them to be.
Business Strategy |
We say we want freedom more than anything… and then build lives and businesses full of everything but.
We want freedom of time, freedom of expression, freedom of choice, freedom of energy, freedom to build our life and business our way, without apology.
A few months ago, I had a week that gave me an ah-ha moment, one I had felt before, but this time, it landed differently.
I had cleared my calendar.
Intentionally.
No meetings, no calls, no obligations.
Just space to pause, to be…to unhook from a pace I had been keeping for years (not so intentionally, I’ll confess).
And yet, within two days, I felt… unmoored. Uncomfortable. Scattered and restless. Almost agitated.
Almost as if the very thing I’d craved was now quietly pressuring me to do something with it.
Space Alone Isn’t Freedom
That’s when it clicked:
Space alone doesn’t create freedom.
Structure does.
This is the paradox most of us miss:
We think freedom lives in the absence of limits.
But true freedom often comes from clarity and simplicity– from knowing what matters and letting go of the rest.
- When everything is open, nothing feels anchored.
- Too many choices dilute focus.
- Too much white space breeds pressure, not peace.
- Too few anchors can leave your energy quietly unraveling.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge advocate of whitespace, and I stress the importance of it to my clients. But whitespace works best when it’s held by a few clear and simple anchors, so the spaciousness feels supportive instead of unmoored.
The Anchor Is Not the Enemy
There’s a reason we resist anchors: we think they’ll restrict us.
That structure will somehow box us in, stifle our creativity, or signal that we’re giving up flexibility, spontaneity…or ourselves.
But the right anchor does the opposite.
It brings our full energy online.
It quiets the noise and invites curiosity.
It gives form to what’s been trying to come through, but we’ve been too damn busy to listen.
One small evening commitment reset my entire week. At the end of each day, I wrote down three things I wanted to focus on the next day, in order of priority. If I worked on the top priority, I considered it a success… remember, structure equals freedom—not perfection.
My focus sharpened, but stayed fluid.
My energy grounded even as it was rising.
My days felt free — not from less structure, but from the ‘right’ structure for me.
And that’s the shift:
Freedom isn’t the absence of boundaries.
It’s finding the ones that fit.
And when those boundaries are chosen with intention, something powerful happens:
What used to feel like restriction becomes relief.
What felt like pressure becomes rhythm.
That rhythm becomes your simplicity — and your strategy.
The Practice of Freedom
We talk about freedom like it’s something we earn.
But the quiet truth is freedom is something we tend. It asks for devotion— not escape.
It’s not the prize at the end of discipline; it’s the rhythm that forms when discipline and desire stop fighting each other.
Freedom isn’t about removing all constraints; it’s about refining them until they serve your life, your work, your relationships, your energy, your purpose.
When you build your days around what nourishes you — your priorities, pace, truth — your structure becomes a sacred agreement with yourself.
It’s how you keep your freedom alive.
So maybe freedom isn’t the feeling of having no edges at all.
Maybe that’s the real paradox: the anchor doesn’t keep you stuck; it keeps you steady enough to move toward what’s calling you next.
I’ve been sitting with that insight, and it’s brought a few questions to the surface.
Here are the questions I’m sitting with, maybe you are too:
- Where am I craving freedom but resisting the structure that would support it?
- Where am I stripping away limits that are actually giving me strength and consistency?
- Where would one small anchor bring me back to myself, my clarity, and my power?
The next era of business is anchored in self-trust, not constant hustle. Define your rhythm, keep it sacred, and let the lines you draw become your liberation.
Self Growth |
Dear Leader,
Or, perhaps I should say:
Dear manager, parent, executive, class president, coffee barista, school teacher, entrepreneur, C-suite executive…
The list could go on. I say Dear Leader, because we are all leaders at some level. Leadership starts with ourselves.
Two weeks ago, I spoke at a conference. The title of my talk was “The Connected Leader.” Many people came up to me after the talk to thank me for giving them permission “to think about themselves as a leader.” How to care for themselves so-that-they-can better care for their employees, as well as family and friends. It’s all connected, right?
They told me they were tired because of sleepless nights, overwhelmed with multiple priorities on their plate, stressed because they’ve been short with their kids, and lonely because they don’t have the support they need and don’t feel comfortable asking for help and clarity.
You can’t lead from an empty bucket. Believe me, I’ve tried. That dog don’t hunt.
Here’s the thing: when we feel better, we do better. Period.
When we feel exhausted, stressed, pinched, and underappreciated? Well, I’ll let you fill that description in.
So, Dear Leader, if you’re seeking, waiting for, or asking for permission, this is it.
Take it. Own it. Run with it. Your employees will thank you. Your loved ones will thank you.
Ready to figure out how in the world you can do this?
Let’s dive in:
Pause & Ponder
You knew this was coming, right?
There is SO much power in taking time to pause, to gain clarity on what you want and equally, what you don’t want.
- Who do you want to be as a leader? As a leader of a business, team, family, or community? Define that in detail. Not sure? What are the qualities of a leader you respect and admire, and let that be your inspiration to start from.
- What beliefs do you need to let go of to be that person? What are the actions or inaction that’s keeping you stuck and spinning? You have permission to get off that wheel.
- What do you need to set down before it drops? Proactive is much easier to deal with than reactive.
- Where do YOU need support? Professionally AND personally. You’ve heard me say this before, our personal life and professional life are not mutually exclusive; they’re interdependent. If you’re struggling in one area, it’s bound to impact the other. Permission to ask for help, granted.
Schedule 30 minutes (or more!) on your calendar to ponder these questions. Nothing is going to change until you do. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable work of looking within, so you can be comfortable and confident with how you lead yourself, your team, or your family.
Prioritize & Proceed
Before you lace up those sneakers and sprint right into action, look at the answers to your questions and ask yourself, what 1-3 items from my list will make the most impact?
Not everything matters equally. This means you need to figure out what you want and HOW you go about getting it. Adding everything all at once to your to-do list with little discernment will only get you back to spinning on that dang wheel. Permission to step off, granted.
What one area, if you were to focus on it, would make the most amount of impact on all the other areas? Double down and build up your muscle in that one area, until it becomes more natural to you, then add the next priority, then the next.
You can do this with a little time, intention, and compassion for yourself. Once you start experiencing the changes you seek, like:
- Better sleep
- Healthier conversations
- Improved relationships
- More engaged teams (or kids!)
- Self-trust and confidence, and
- Getting more done in less time so you can maybe even clock out early…
… the more that caring for yourself becomes second nature because you know and experience the transformation it brings in all areas of your life.
Healthy Habits
“People don’t decide their futures; they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures.” ~FM Alexander
In other words, we are what we repeatedly do.
Set yourself up for success by establishing one habit that will support you for each step on the journey. Think big, but go small.
You know that 15 minute walk first thing in the morning (before the kids get up) is just the thing to set you up for a fabulous day…buuttt, you watched TV until 11:30 pm.
- Habit: Set an alarm on your phone for 9:30 pm to turn off all screens and lights out by 10.
One of your core values is respect, but when you’re tired, hangry, or behind the 8-ball, you tend to (conveniently) forget that core value and snap at your employee or maybe even your kid.
- Habit: Pause, breathe in counting to 4, and connect to the person, the leader you want to be before responding.
Plan ahead. Get clear on when, where, or with whom your habits need some healthy reinforcement and plan what you’ll do or how you’ll react so you don’t need to work so hard to choose a different, better habit.
Beautiful Boundaries
Boundaries are required for:
- A successful and impactful leader
- Healthy authentic relationships
- Keeping resentment in check (towards self and others…kids included!)
- Self-trust and confidence
- Self-care
- Self-improvement
- Self-compassion
Contrary to popular belief, establishing firm boundaries will improve relationships, not divide them, because with boundaries you are clear on what is ok with you and what is not…so there’s no need for resentment, which has the ability to deteriorate any relationship, fast.
I wrote about the importance of boundaries in my last newsletter, 9 Tips for Bold & Beautiful Boundaries That Will Improve Your Work and Life. Have a look, and let me know what you think.
Progress Over Perfection
Go for progress over perfection as you move along this process of caring for yourself…because perfection gets in the way of possible.
Choose possibility.
Be patient and kind with yourself. Doing otherwise only exacerbates the pieces you’re working so diligently to change.
If you’re looking for permission, this is it. You have permission to care for yourself, to take care of yourself, to fill your bucket first. You can’t fill other people’s buckets from an empty bucket.
The rewards and educational moments are many when you, as a leader, show people how caring for themselves positively impacts every area of life.
When we do better, we feel better, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
Whether executive in C-suite, mid-manager, entry-level employee, or stay-at-home parent, being a leader requires you to care for yourself first, NOT as an afterthought.
I lovingly challenge you to open your calendar and book a time for you to think, to care for yourself, and fill your bucket. If your calendar is booked solid for the next 4 weeks, don’t despair. Look out until you find a week on your calendar where you can book time with yourself. Book it, and honor it, like you would a doctor’s appointment. It is that important.
Bring in some beautiful and kind Graceful Accountability- don’t beat yourself up, don’t let yourself off the hook as you do this work.
It’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but sit in the squirm until you get to the other side. You’ll love and appreciate what, or rather who, you find.
There. Permission granted.
Self Growth |
Boundaries are a topic that comes up often in my work (and in my life…). There’s so much baggage (and so many beliefs) that come with boundaries:
- “They’re so hard to establish”
- “They feel mean and divisive”
- “I don’t know how to communicate my boundaries”
- “No one ever respects my boundaries”
Or this one, which I hear most often:
- “I feel guilty when I say NO”
Have you ever said or felt any of those?
I’ll admit, I have, many a time. Until I learned what boundaries are and how to communicate them.
Boundaries are the bridge that connects us to our goals and success. Now, that sounds weird, right? Boundaries connect? Stay with me for a minute.
When we lack boundaries and add something to our calendar even though we don’t have the time, energy, gumption, or desire… it moves us further away from our goals, our dreams, our healthy relationships. The gap becomes wider between us and what we want.
Boundaries bridge that gap, bringing us closer to more of what we want, and less of what we don’t, without apology. When we:
- Say Yes when we want to say NO, it creates resentment in our relationships rather than connection.
- Add one more thing to our already overloaded plate, it makes us scattered, overwhelmed, and stressed out rather than further along on our journey.
- Buy something to make ourselves feel better, but it actually adds to our financial stress, it creates a vicious cycle that keeps us on the hamster wheel of ‘not enough.’
So, without further ado, let’s dive into 9 bold & beautiful boundaries that will support you in reaching your goals with less stress and anxiety and more flow and freedom.
9 Must-Know Things About Boundaries
Personal Boundaries
1. Your boundaries are about you, not others
Your boundaries are for you, to keep you safe, out of overwhelm, and away from resentment. It’s your responsibility to establish and hold them, not others’. It would be nice if people honored your boundaries, but they are yours to honor.
2. No is a complete sentence
No need to explain or go into details of why you aren’t available to take on that last-minute project someone on your team dropped, to bake the 457 cookies for the bake sale, or why you’re not available to go out. When you start explaining things, it’s waaaay too easy to get off balance and just say, screw it, I’ll do it.
3. It’s your responsibility to be clear, direct, and respectful
Clear, direct, and respectful will sound like an unemotional, blame-free, unapologetic statement: “If you continue to be disrespectful, I’m going to remove myself from this conversation because I respect myself too much to be treated this way.”
It is NOT your responsibility how it lands for others. That is their responsibility, and their response speaks to who they are.
Work Boundaries
4. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should
Always look at the tradeoff you’re making when you say YES (or NO, for that matter). If you say yes, will that fill you with resentment? Will setting and honoring the boundary allow someone else to build their knowledge? Will ignoring the boundary build unhealthy dependency?
“If you give a person a fish, you feed them for a day. If you teach a person to fish, you feed them for a lifetime”. ~Unknown
5. Place boundaries around your time
What are you willing to commit your non-renewable resource, time, to? Your kids’ last lacrosse game, parents’ 50th anniversary party, a friend’s big birthday, or snuggle time with your baby won’t come around again. Honor what’s most important by placing boundaries around your time, without apology.
6. Learn how to delegate
OK, OK, so you can do it faster, and it will actually take longer for you to teach someone to do it. The thing is, that won’t change until you teach someone to do it, allow them to do it, and put them in charge of doing it…and let them fail so that they can learn how to succeed.
Financial Boundaries
7. Set boundaries around your spending
Yes, those shoes are fabulous, that car is sassy, but will it help you to be financially stable? Less stressed? Pause before pulling out that credit card, and connect to your boundaries before swiping.
8. How much is enough?
Whether it’s giving to charities, your kids, a wedding gift, or a baby shower, get clear on how much you’re willing to spend before you get wrapped up in the excitement (or guilt).
9. Pause before purchasing
Establish a boundary for purchasing. This has worked wonders for me with buying books. I’m a voracious reader and used to order pretty much every book that was recommended or ones that piqued my interest. And, yowza, that stack of books kept growing and caused stress every time I looked at it. And that stack of books stacked up my credit card each month. $30 bucks here, $18 bucks there adds up month over month. Now, I place a book in the cart and wait 48 hours before deciding to purchase it. It’s been a game-changer.
What one boundary, if you were to implement it, would make the biggest difference in your life? What’s holding you back from making that change happen? What’s possible when you do?
Was there a boundary that you thought of that is not on my list? Please share in the comments!
P.S. Interested in more tips and tools to help you improve your boundaries? Download my Boundaries Blueprint, a 19 page e-book.
