For a long time, many of us have been quietly carrying the same story:
“I’m fine.”
Fine enough to:
Keep going. Stay productive. Not make things awkward.
I know I’ve done this more times than I care to admit. As a daughter, wife, mom, business owner, and friend, “fine” became a way of moving through the world without slowing things down or making others uncomfortable.
So when Brooke B. Sellas’ recent article, “I’m Done Pretending I’m Fine,” stopped me mid-slurp during my morning coffee a few weeks ago, it landed hard. It named something (uncomfortably) familiar, and inspired me to dig a bit deeper into this pattern.
The Future You Want Can’t Be Built While Performing “Fine”
“I’m done pretending I’m fine,”
When, or how, did we learn to pretend everything is “fine”?
Rarely all at once. More often, it happens quietly, through small moments of adaptation, subtle cues, and unspoken expectations that teach us what’s safe to show and what’s better kept to ourselves.
In my 10 years as a business coach, what I’ve noticed time and time again is this:
Conditioning is relational, not a personal flaw– meaning, the ways we learned to override ourselves didn’t happen in isolation. They happened in relationship.
In other words:
we didn’t learn how to be alone; we learned how to be with others.
Those conditions came from:
-
Childhood
-
Culture
-
Religion
-
Gender expectations
-
Workplace dynamics
-
Early experiences of being seen, judged, or misunderstood
These created unconscious, embodied “safety rules” that still run in adulthood…in our relationships and in our business.
What matters here is this:
These “safety rules” weren’t conscious choices. They were adaptations, ways of staying connected, capable, or accepted when honesty didn’t feel so safe.
Over time, those adaptations became habits. And those habits became invisible.
So when we find ourselves performing or managing perception instead of trusting our inner signal, saying “I’m fine,” it’s not a lack of clarity or courage.
It’s a learned response.
This is the space between knowing and doing. And often, the work begins when pretending stops working.
Which brings me to a moment Brooke named so clearly in her article, “The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Fine.”
From Managing Perception to Trusting Ourselves
“The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Fine.”
When we manage perception, we stay focused on how we’re seen instead of what we’re sensing, what is true for us that we keep stuffing down or ignoring. We check our tone, edit our truth, and perform “fine” to keep things moving, relationships smooth, and expectations intact.
But that performance comes at a cost.
Each time we override that inner signal, we weaken our relationship to ourselves. Not because we’re doing something wrong—but because self-trust can’t grow in a system that rewards adaptation over honesty.
The moment we admit we aren’t fine isn’t a failure. It’s a return to the truth that’s been waiting quietly underneath the performance.
And from there, something shifts. Less managing. More listening. Less proving. More choosing.
That’s where trusting ourselves begins.
Pretending is exhausting because it requires self-betrayal.
And no matter how well we perform, “fine,” freedom can’t grow in a system that asks us to leave ourselves behind.
Freedom Doesn’t Start with Fixing
“And weirdly? That felt freeing.”
For many of us, especially women, the reflex to fix, optimize, or push past what our bodies are telling us was learned early. And it worked. It kept things moving. It earned approval, stability, or success. Over time, though, that reflex turns inward. The moment something feels off, we go looking for what needs correction.
But what if the discomfort isn’t a flaw to fix, but a signal asking for different conditions?
Not more effort or more strategy. But more self-trust, improved boundaries, and the capacity to hold the consequences that can come from trusting ourselves.
Freedom doesn’t come from erasing what’s uncomfortable. It comes from creating enough structure and safety to stay present with it—long enough to listen.
This is where self-trust deepens. Not through fixing, but through staying in relationship with what’s true.
From there, freedom stops feeling like something to earn. It becomes something you’re already orienting toward, one honest choice at a time.
Many of us aren’t just tired.
We’re done managing perception at the expense of reality, aka our health: mental, physical, emotional, relational, and financial.
Pretending works…until it doesn’t.
What changed for Brooke wasn’t the capacity to handle; it was permission.
“When you stop pretending, you can finally start fixing.”
Because pretending requires not trusting your own signals. Fixing requires listening to them.
Yes, it’s New Year’s Day, everyone is full throttle, setting goals and mapping strategies, yet you don’t have to fix everything today, or even this quarter. But you do have to tell yourself the truth about where you’re at and what you want changed.
Because self-trust isn’t built by pretending things are fine.
It’s built the moment you stop needing them to be.