Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Discipline, specifically self-discipline is a critical component to a successful and satisfying business. In fact, it was the underlying theme in response to a question I posed in a recent email asking women about their biggest challenge at the moment. Almost everyone identified self-discipline … disciplining ourselves to do the work “necessary” to advance our career, create a healthier lifestyle, improve relationships, keep ourselves organized and focused, and to create balance in our lives (read more about balance here).
Discipline has such a negative “feel” to it, doesn’t it?
To me, it brings up images of a teacher with a ruler ready to crack my knuckles if I “step out of line.” Not pleasant. Not inviting. And, certainly NOT motivating. How about you? What vision comes up for you when you think of discipline?
I’m guessing nothing pleasant, inviting, and motivating.
Why is it, then, that we feel the need to rely on discipline alone to be productive, make things happen, and motivate ourselves?
The concept that self-discipline will motivate us to do more and be better feels a bit heavy to me; sort of a ball and chain to drag around to ensure we don’t (easily) venture too far out into the wild.
I will agree: We do need discipline within our day to make things happen … to create that life we envision for ourselves. The one we’re reaching for.
Yet, when we phrase it as “self-discipline” it feels more like a “should” than something we want to do to design and create that which we desire.
Discipline will push us to do more (at times), but I invite you to think about what would feel better to you when looking at your mile long “to-do” list? Because, when we feel better, we do better—physically, emotionally, and financially.
Discipline also has the ability to keep us stuck. Let me explain….
When we come from a place of “needing to” and “should do,” it feels a bit heavy and takes away from our drive—our motivation to continue the “work” towards our goals.
Then, as things get difficult (and they inevitably do as we stretch, learn, and grow), and our to-do list looks like a three-headed monster, it becomes easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, agitated, and perhaps even lazy … which in turn makes it is easy for us to get tripped up in the mind chatter and fall behind on our daily, weekly, monthly to-do lists … and, eventually, feel like we don’t have the discipline it takes at all. And then we compromise on our dream, or let go of it all together.
Soon after, the voice of self-doubt starts to question our intentions, our abilities, and our “discipline” … and we question if we actually have what it takes. (Read more about self-doubt, the voice of our inner critic here).
Our definition—our “story”—of what self-discipline is, what it “should” look like in our lives and along our journey to success, has an amazing ability to wreak havoc with our success.
Our idea of discipline can get in the way of us noticing our successes as we move along our path. And let’s be honest here, we need to own and embrace our successes along the way (big AND small). Otherwise, what’s the point of it all?
It’s the journey that fills our buckets, not the end result.
It’s the feeling of driving that shiny red convertible, not the car itself.
Curiosity and compassion … two beautiful and oh-so-supportive words in the English language.
When we get curious about and connect to our WHY of what we want, this allows us compassion for our Self in our busy days (read more about our Why is our way to success here).
It shifts the focus and feel to more of a pull towards our dreams and goals, rather than a push.
Pushing has resistance. A pull has a magnetic feel to it, drawing you to what it is you want in this one big beautiful life.
Talent, strength, and passion are wonderful assets to get us moving in the direction of our dreams. But they aren’t always enough to keep us on track when things get bogged down in the not so sexy details of creating the life we want.
Shifting our mindset to think about our steps, our to-dos, our “shoulds,” as more of a gift to our Self instead of as a cost, will allow the grip of self-discipline to soften.
Motivate yourself not by fear or by what you don’t want, but by connecting to what each step along the path will ultimately give you.
Define what self-discipline means to you. Be specific.
Where did your beliefs around self-discipline originate? Are they serving you to be the best version of your Self?
What new beliefs around self-discipline would support you in being the woman, wife, mother, friend, business woman you intend to become?
What new beliefs would support you in going for your goals and attaining them?
What successes along the way have you failed to celebrate? Write them down and keep them where you can look at them whenever you need. Celebrate and motivate yourself to continue. Use discipline—self-discipline—to help, not hinder, the journey.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to stop relying on self-discipline alone and start leaning into your strengths to “pull” you towards your goals? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Everyone knows that to grow a business, a strong marketing plan is so important and part of a strong marketing plan includes social media and that may mean live streaming on Facebook Live. Well, for me, this was a big pill to swallow … realizing I needed to take a bit of my own “medicine” and push myself out of my comfy zone.
My coach and colleagues have been nudging (ok, I admit it, pushing … envision a foot to the butt here) me to step out and start doing Facebook Live. It’s something I know I’ve needed to do to get myself and my message out there in front of the women I want to serve.
It really was quite simple, hit “live’ and talk about what I’m passionate about. It. Just. Wasn’t. That. Easy. (read more about simple vs easy here).
My fear had me by the ankles, but the funny thing was, I wasn’t even spending much time thinking about it … I was simply, unknowingly, being busy “over here” and ignoring what was going on “over there” in the live streaming world.
Moving through fear into action is rarely an easy thing. It can be a tad uncomfortable, and vulnerability hasn’t always been something I’m comfortable with.
Well, with some transparency here, I’ll admit, vulnerability is not something I’ve become comfortable with, it’s just that not allowing it space in my life (business AND personal) has become far more uncomfortable than avoiding it.
“You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.” ~ Brene Brown
I didn’t know what it was that was holding me back from jumping on Facebook Live, but I eventually became aware that I was busying myself with all sorts of other things that took my attention … and at the end of each day I hadn’t done it and it got put it on my list of things to get to tomorrow. Can any of you ladies relate?
And the fact that I can stand up and confidently speak to a room full of women made it even easier for me to look the other way and not own my “shit”—my fear. How could I be fearful of Facebook Live when I would happily stand on my soapbox and share my passion in front of a room full of a hundred women? Crazy, I wasn’t fearful. Ha. Then I looked in the mirror.
Ugh. I realized it was time to get a clear view of what the hell was going on.
Was it comfortable? Nope. Necessary? Oh, hell yeah.
And, “That which we resist, persists,” Damn—that Carl Jung was onto something….
I had reverted back to my old ways of being busy doing all sorts of things that appeared to be moving me in the direction of my goals, but were not. Well, to be totally truthful here, those “things” were moving me closer, just at a snail’s pace.
Moving at a pace that kept me within my comfort zone.
When I “saw” this it was waaay more uncomfortable to stay put then to push myself out of the king sized pillow topped feather bed comfort zone I was snuggled into.
We have to be willing to do something poorly in order to figure out how to do it well.
I had to be willing to fail in order to succeed. For more on our fear of failure click here…
And I certainly had to be willing to let go of my firm grip on perfectionism if this is something I guide the women I work with to do.
Did I fail on my first Facebook Live? I don’t think so. Did I crush it? Umm, no, definitely not. BUT, I moved through my fear, learned a beautiful lesson, and here I am today writing this blog, sharing my growth, and not a scratch on me. Huh, who woulda thunk. Check out my live stream video by clicking on the photo below and tell me what you think.
And that medicine that I needed to take … tasted more like a gummy vitamin.
- Where might you be unknowingly “hiding” in your business?
- What vulnerability may be keeping you from pushing beyond your comfort zone?
- And what one step are you willing to commit to, to move closer to your goals, your dreams?
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable and pick up the speed on success? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Mindset |
Without mindset and compassion, even simple tasks never seem to get done, both in life and in business. How fascinating is it when we can know exactly what to do and yet, it remains undone.
We know that to lose weight we need to burn more calories than we consume, yet more than two out of three adults are considered overweight or obese.
We know that to gain more exposure for our business we need to put our work out there to be seen and receive feedback. Yet we continue to polish, and re-polish, our work, stuck in perfectionism and staying “hidden.”
We know setting healthy boundaries will support us in creating the life we want as a business owner (read more about that here), yet we continually say yes to others, putting our needs on the back burner … making it virtually impossible to do the things that are essential to grow our business.
We know we need to create an effective marketing and social media plan so we can successfully get ourselves in front of our ideal clients … yet, for some reason, other things seem to continually take precedence.
And we know that to discover our greatness, we need to move out of our comfort zone.
We need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
If we know what to do, why is it so damn hard to do it? Why the resistance?
In Barbara Stanny’s book Overcoming Underearning (Harper Paperbacks, 2007) she wrote a great piece about decoding resistance:
Stanny describes “Decoding Resistance:
- All resistance comes from fear.
- At the core of all fear is a belief.
- At the root of all belief is a decision you made.
- These decisions are made early, often unconsciously, and have little to do with reality.
- To ride out the resistance, redo your decision.”
It’s simple to understand … putting it into action is the hard part. This is where the mindset piece is oh so important. Simple right? Yup. Easy? Not so much.
I’ve discovered time and again, the actions that will create the greatest impact for my clients, and bring the change they’re wanting, craving, in their life and business are more often than not, really quite simple but not necessarily easy to implement.
Just because something is simple, doesn’t make it easy to achieve.
So we beat ourselves up.
We judge.
We “should” … all over ourselves.
We become frustrated and angry.
And sometimes, we give up.
Which makes us judge and beat ourselves up and we get even more angry and more frustrated … you get the point, right? It’s a viscous cycle to put ourselves in.
Compassion is our friend here, ladies.
When we continually beat ourselves up, when we only shine the light on where we’ve (possibly) fallen down, we fail to see all that we have done and accomplished.
If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly until you can do it well.
Olympic athletes have worked hard, damn hard, for many years, to get where they are today. It didn’t just happen. It wasn’t easy.
Julia Childs may have been a natural in the kitchen, but I’m betting she created plenty of flops as she built a name for herself. Here’s a great quote of hers:
“The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude.”
In order to create the life we want, we’ve got to have a “what-the-hell-attitude” at times. Agree?
And for me, a “what the hell attitude” has allowed me compassion for myself … allowed me to try and allowed me to fail.
It’s allowed me to fail forward.
When we focus on what we haven’t done, we fail to see what we have done.
And when we can lift our heads to see and acknowledge the steps we’ve taken, it gives us the momentum, energy, (and compassion) to pursue our dreams.
While in coaching “school” (I went back to school at forty-nine!) one of my coaches shared a pearl of wisdom with us that has stuck with me. He said:
“What a we don’t celebrate turns to shit.”
Meaning that when we reach a goal, no matter how large or small, and we don’t stop to acknowledge it, every day is just the same. It’s easy to simply check it off the list and ask “What’s next?”
Then we don’t experience our successes … and we forget about them. And they’re not there to support us when we really need them.
Compassion, ladies. Try it on, allow some for yourself.
We give it so freely to our friends.
Why do we withhold it from ourselves?
What are some of the simple, yet challenging work tasks you’ve been putting off? Why? What’s your “story” around them that’s keeping you stuck?
And, what would you tell your best friend to do if she lacked compassion for herself and continually beat herself up? Be that friend, to your Self.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to give your Self some compassion and start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Boundaries |
Boundaries. They’re critical in business and in life.
Why is it when we talk about setting and having healthy boundaries it makes people so uncomfortable … as if boundaries are a bad thing that only abrasive and self-centered people allow themselves to have?
Having healthy boundaries does not, I repeat DOES NOT make us a bitch.
In fact, they do quite the opposite. Boundaries allow us to comfortably be ourselves and take care of our Self. When living authentically you may bump up against someone else’s view of who you should be, but that’s theirs to own, not yours.
Boundaries allow us to claim what, and who is important to us. They allow us to own our self-worth.
We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. When we have healthy boundaries, it shows others and ourselves that we have self-worth, self-respect and that we don’t allow others to define us.
When we lack boundaries, we often feel resentment, frustration, and anger.
It can make us scattered. It can erode a healthy relationship, be it with family, friends, co-workers, or even (perhaps especially) with ourselves and our business.
We not only have the right to set our personal and professional boundaries, it’s our responsibility to do so.
They’re essential for creating a healthy life, inside and out.
Boundaries allow us to be at choice about not only what we’ll do, but who we will “be” (to read more about discovering “who we are” click here).
There’s a reason why airlines tell us to “put your oxygen mask on first.” When you’ve given all you have, and there’s nothing left, how can that benefit anyone?
In my house, if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy. Can any of you out there relate??
I know when I set my boundaries aside, or they’ve been ignored, I get agitated … more with myself to be honest but it affects my energy and the way I show up doesn’t feel good. I feel as though I’ve given my power away, again, and wonder why I’m not able to trust myself, set my boundaries, say no, and be comfortable with it.
As Anne Lamott says, “No is a complete sentence.”
LOVE this statement. Learning how to say “No” is essential in setting healthy boundaries.
I’ll admit, sometimes it simply seems easier to “give in” and do what’s asked instead of saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me.” In the short run, things can be easier. But in the long run, we’ve just taught the other person our boundaries are optional.
It’s kind of like the short term gain when we give in to our kids at the grocery store and buy the candy bar to quit their whining. It works in the moment but we’ve just taught them a very valuable lesson … whine longer and harder and we’ll cave. So they up the ante each time.
I remember one of my private clients in particular who had difficulty setting her boundaries. She was working her butt off trying to make a go of it in her business, getting up early, working late, working all hours of the day, seven days a week.
As we stepped back and looked at why she wasn’t making the traction in her business that she wanted to (and by all means should have been with the number of hours she was working) we discovered she was taking on projects from clients that she really didn’t want to do but felt compelled to say yes to (more on our Inner Good Girl and how she gets us tangled up here). Her plate runneth over ….
She was spending about 80% of her time on projects that contributed to 20% of her bottom line, simply because she didn’t feel she could say no to the work.
Once she got clear on how this was affecting not only her bottom line but the time she had “leftover” for herself and her family, she decided to set some boundaries that worked for her.
She was able to focus on what it is she does best, and let the rest go. The work she produced was of higher quality and she created one hell of a niche for herself expanding her business AND taking time for what was important to her. All because she decided what she was willing to do, and what she was not willing to do.
And you know what? Her clients respected her for it.
In order to have healthy boundaries, we need to know and understand our limits. We need to know our values, our non-negotiables in life.
We need to cut in the edges, so WE know where our boundaries are.
It’s ok to give yourself permission to say no. Go ahead, you know you want to ….
When was the last time you slowed down and took a good look at your boundaries, or lack thereof, and how it’s impacting you?
What are you willing to say yes to, and what are you not willing to do?
Where are you honoring your boundaries? Where are they being stepped over?
What are you tolerating, and why?
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to get clear on your boundaries, your non-negotiables in life and honor them consistently? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt |
A work/life balance is something many of my private coaching clients strive for. Work/Life balance—it’s tricky. Actually, I’d say it’s bullshit if I’m being completely honest.
The concept of balance, in general, is ok, but balance isn’t always 50/50; in fact, it rarely is. It could be 65/35, 90/10 … it’s creating the “balance” of activities that keeps us from feeling bogged down, exhausted, and stuck.
Our concept of work/life balance allows us to believe that work is separate from life … and they are not two mutually exclusive things. How could they be? Work is a part of life.
How can you balance a part of your life (work) within the whole?
And why is it we so often feel work as a negative in our life when looking at balance?
Other than work, what’s worth spending time and energy on? Are there non-negotiables in your life? What are they? Family? Friends? Health? Play? Do we want to truly balance all these other pieces of life evenly with work? Is that even realistic?
So often we place much of our time and focus on a few areas of our life, and neglect the rest. And unfortunately, it’s not always the truly important pieces that get our time and attention. Let’s face it—the squeaky wheel does get the oil.
We put our blinders on and we go, go, go. We rarely slow down and honestly look at the choices we’re making and the long term impact of each of them. We’re in the movie instead of watching the movie as my Shihan always said … in other words, we’re so focused on what’s in front of us, we don’t see the big picture.
I love this quote by Stephen Covey,
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”
For a moment, I’d like you to imagine what life would be like if you did this, consistently?
What if you scheduled your priorities? What would they be?
What’s truly important to you? What are your non-negotiables in life?
What do you want the rest of the year to look like for you? And for your family? What are your priorities? Schedule them. Make them a priority. See what happens when you do.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to get clear on your priorities—your non-negotiables—in life and honor them consistently? Click Here to apply for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now! Make you a non-negotiable!
