Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth |
Many of us are familiar with our Inner Critic, (I share more about that here ) but did you know that often, right alongside her is an Inner Good Girl and she can wreak just as much, if not more, havoc?
Meet GG. She’s my Inner Good Girl, and, damn, she gets a hold of my ankles with a white knuckled grip more often than I’d care to admit.
Our Inner Good Girl, our GG (some may even call her the Inner Bitch) can get us all twisted up doing things that we don’t necessarily want to do or need to do … things that don’t bring us closer to the life we want as business owners.
Yet, for some reason we so often feel we “should” say yes to what’s asked of us … feeling the pressure to be a good mom, loving wife, competent business owner, attentive friend, and active community member (oh, and making it all look easy). Should-ing all over our Self, may I say, is never a good way to get ahead. Trust me.
AND, let’s admit it, it can be exhausting carrying around the weight of it all.
Our Good Girl usually starts when we’re younger, when following the rules kept us in the good graces of those in authority … we got really good at figuring out what the authority figures (parents, teachers, bosses) in our life wanted then. We adapted. We accommodated. In turn, we’d receive praise, a pat on the head, a gold star, or maybe even avoidance of someone’s anger.
A perfect example of how the Inner Good Girl can affect the way we show up in our business is found in one of my former clients, Sofia (though not her real name, she did give the green light for me to share her story so other women may benefit from her insights). Sofia was dealing with a Hulk of a Good Girl as she worked on growing her business and stepping into the limelight.
Sofia is a driven thirty-something entrepreneur. She’s in business with two other people—both men with resumes that clearly convey their experience.
Now, Sophia is an amazingly brilliant young woman who wanted to be a Rebel and a Revolutionary in her field … she had the education, commitment, drive, and intelligence to be exactly those things, and more. Yet, there was something that kept her from doing what it took to harness this power.
Sophia was constantly busying herself with lots of work but, more often than not, it wasn’t the work that would move her closer to Rebel and Revolutionary status. In fact, it kept her back. Again, she had all she needed to step into these roles and OWN them. Lock. Stock. And Barrel.
She knew she needed to make space in her life for her creativity to surface. For her Revolutionary ideas to come to her. For the book she had in her to be written. For the software she wanted to create, and for that Rebel to show up and kick butt.
Sophia knew this, yet she kept herself chained to her desk only allowing herself to close her computer and step away from it to be creative once she had finished the work she deemed as more important to check off her list. This led her to feel agitated, frustrated, limited, and certainly didn’t do the relationship with her husband any good either … it was a vicious cycle. Hard to show up and be a Revolutionary when you’re tired, frustrated, and feeling limited.
When Sophia and I first met, she described this amazing business she wanted to build with her partners, as well as an image of the woman she wanted to be in this business. At first glance, it looked like Self-Doubt, the voice of the Inner Critic, was the beast she needed to tame. Yet, as we started to work together and got clear on what she wanted her business and lifestyle to be—how she wanted to show up in the world, it became so obvious that she was actually HIDING behind her Good Girl.
Together through coaching, we uncovered that Sophia was brought up being told:
- Good Girls don’t speak up.
- Good Girls don’t call attention to themselves.
- Good Girls don’t boast, flirt, or make waves
- Good girls perceive what others need and adapt to it.
WOW. Sofia’s Inner Good Girl had her all tangled up, holding her back from stepping into the powerful and bold woman she is … one that would most certainly be a Rebel, a Revolutionary, and easily create that life she wanted as a business woman that she so often dreamed of.
How could this vibrant, intelligent, driven, entrepreneur be a Rebel and Revolutionary when she was told it wasn’t “pretty” or acceptable to be so? Literally, it wasn’t pretty. WE CANNOT ATTRACT TO US THAT WHICH WE DISLIKE.
Once the sirens went off for Sophia and her inner light turned on, she started to see that each time she got stuck, she was busying herself with things that looked important but didn’t move her closer to her goals because she was being a Good Girl: not speaking up and not calling attention to her brilliance.
She was able to see what was going on for her when she quieted her Self, and is now able to lean into this bigger space instead of hiding within her Good Girl.
And did I mention, she’s a Rebel, a Revolutionary, and well on her way to her dream?
So, where might your GG be showing up and sabotaging your dream? Take a few moments to ask yourself these questions and journal what surfaces. And, when you’ve explored enough, please reach out to me here, [email protected], so we can quiet that GG and step boldly toward that dream.
Where is your Inner Good Girl getting you tangled up and bogged down?
What are some of her beliefs that no longer serve you? What new beliefs could you replace them with?
What do you need to let go of to start moving past your Inner Good Girl?
What’s the first step you could take that would that would move you past your GG and closer to your dreams?
I’d love to hear your comments. And if you’re ready to move past your Inner Good Girl and start doing what it takes to create the business and lifestyle you want, Click Here to apply for a complimentary Clarity Consultation with me …let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life you want as a business owner, now!
growth |
The “Inner Critic” voice that lives inside and gets louder, often as we come closer to our dreams, can either hinder us or help us grow our business. In my work as a coach, I’ve often come up against my own inner critic and help other women entrepreneurs understand theirs so they can move closer to making their entrepreneurial dreams come true.
I recently spoke with a woman entrepreneur about her desire to grow her business so she could quit her day job and focus on her dream of being a full-time entrepreneur. Her day job consumes much of her energy and time, provides little fulfillment, and doesn’t move her closer to her dreams.
To help her along the process of getting from where she is to her dream, I asked her where she wanted her business to be before she could confidently move into being a full-time entrepreneur. With her answer, she was super clear on what her income needed to be, how many events she would need to host to generate that income, and how many calls she needed to make to book those events on her calendar. Clarity around what she needed to do to grow her business was not her issue but there was something just under the surface of her clarity that was … her inner critic.
As she described her business and what creating this business and lifestyle she dreamed of would give her, she became instantly connected to her “Why.” She realized her dream of building her business was not only for herself, but for the women she would serve. She was grounded, focused, and downright joyful as she envisioned and talked about her life as a full-time entrepreneur, doing what she loves every single day AND making amazing money. It was obvious that her big “Why” lit her up, filled her bucket, and fed her soul.
Yet, when I asked her what she felt was getting in the way of creating this amazing business, she said when she sat down to make phone calls inviting women to book events with her, she “didn’t want to be pushy” and, therefore, didn’t always pick up the phone. She told herself she would “do it tomorrow” and we all know how that goes.
Self-Doubt, the “voice” of our Inner Critic, takes many forms
I know this well, in myself and in my clients, the weight of not wanting to be “pushy” and wanting to “do the right thing” is heavy and exhausting. She, as many of us, knew she had a gift to share but was doubting herself and getting stuck in the mind chatter. The doubt was her inner critic and by listening to it and believing it, she was not taking the action she needed (phone calls) to grow her business.
Why is it that when we have dreams and goals in our life, it’s so easy to let the mind clutter get in the way of us doing the things that move us closer to them? We often busy ourselves with many other “tasks” that keep us busy, but not necessarily moving us closer to the business and lifestyle we want for ourselves. We feel stuck, unmotivated, and, ultimately, too exhausted to get the right things done.
Self-Doubt, the “voice” of our Inner Critic, takes many forms and comes from people and places in our past. It can be so loud at times that it drowns out our dreams, desires, and our commitment to ourselves. It often shows up as fear of embarrassment, humiliation, rejection, criticism, or being abandoned by our “tribe.” It comes from a place of safety. It’s our hardwiring to stay physically safe (fight, flight, or freeze).
Listening to our Inner Critic isn’t the problem … making decisions from this voice is.
The problem with self-doubt in our businesses is it keeps us “stuck” and fearful of putting ourselves out there … so we end up playing small and wondering why we aren’t doing better in our business, career, or life, in general.
Our Inner Critic can motivate us at times … pushing us to be diligent workers, dotting our Is and crossing our Ts, but it can’t motivate us to be a game changer. That takes some risk.
The trick to moving beyond the Inner Critic voice that keeps us stuck is to first notice and then label when we hear these repetitive thoughts telling us we can’t or shouldn’t do something. It’s key that we move beyond the message to not do something because we’ll embarrass ourself. The secret is to listen, acknowledge it with “Ah, that’s the voice of my Inner Critic talking, not me.”
Then we take the step forward, do the thing that’s keeping us stuck, and step that much closer to our dream.
I’m writing to you today in spite of my own Inner Critic who told me, “You’re not a good writer and you don’t have anything new or inspiring to share … it’s all been told.” I noticed, I listened, I labeled it. I recognized that it was keeping me from my dream. My dream of connecting with you and serving you in my business as a coach. So, I took the step anyway and wrote this post.
I’d love for you to do the same. Explore your own Inner Critic:
• What does your Inner Critic say? Write down some of its most frequently voiced beliefs.
• How does it most often show up for you? Perfectionism? Procrastination? Avoidance? Another certification, class, degree?
*What is it costing you (physically, emotionally, and financially) to make decisions from this space?
* On a scale of 1-10 how committed are you to sharing your dream?
When we share there is an accountability piece that helps keep us motivated and moving closer to our dreams. Who will you share your dream, your vision with?
I’d love to hear your comments. And if you’re ready to notice, listen, label, and step beyond your Inner Critic, book a complimentary 50-minute Clarity Call with me and let’s get started creating the Business and Lifestyle you’ve been dreaming of!
growth |
If you live your life from the perspective of fear, you don’t dare to push your boundaries. You stay with comfortable. Most people want more but their fear stops them from going for it. They don’t want to look stupid, or fail or make a fool of themselves.
But if we would take the perspective of a friend going for a raise, starting a new business, or taking their business to the next level, we would have so much more tenacity and compassion for other people. ‘They were driven’, we say. But when it comes to ourselves, that fear often keeps us boxed in.
Not doing the things you really want to do keeps you small. Not being who you really are, keeps you trapped. Doing, being and having more stays at arm’s length when you are staying small. Regret can come in many different forms – but regretting that you didn’t push your boundaries is one of the biggest regrets people have when they reach old age.
I had a children’s clothing company that I owned and operated for eight years. I started it from scratch. In the beginning, it was fun, exciting and great to build and learn new things. I was hiring reps, getting international sales as far as Japan, and across the U.S. But over time, the tail was wagging the dog and I needed to expand or cut back or sell or close.
Did I really want to stay in this business? I needed to make a decision to stay or grow. Growing meant investing more money and getting a facility. The business had momentum and it became my persona. I was the woman with the clothing line. But it wasn’t hugely successful and that fear of not being hugely successful kept me in it. As opposed to moving on, it came to the point where I dreaded each day and felt I was just slogging through. Finally, I knew it needed to be closed or I needed to sell it. I did wind up selling it to one of my employees.
Now, I own a catering company. Again, it at some level defines me and there’s an expectation that I should stay in it because I’m really good at it. I am faced with the same problem, but this time I’m wiser. I don’t want to stay in it until I’m unhappy. And so I’ve made the decision to move on, to go for what excites me, even though I’m fearful of what’s on the other side of this choice.
I want to be great at something. Personal coaching excites me and I’m going to jump in without a net. I’ve chosen a date to step out of catering, and I’m moving forward with my coaching practice in my spare moments and it feels good. I like change. Staying present with myself enhances my clarity of purpose.
I chose to fear regret more than failure, and it’s working for me.
Our Saboteur is our ‘Inner Critic’ or ‘Negative Self Talk’. It has all the reasons why we shouldn’t push beyond our comfort zone or stretch our ideas of what could be so. It tells us why what we want is stupid, selfish, or even dangerous. It keeps us ‘safely’ boxed in. We all have a saboteur, or two.