Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt |
A work/life balance is something many of my private coaching clients strive for. Work/Life balance—it’s tricky. Actually, I’d say it’s bullshit if I’m being completely honest.
The concept of balance, in general, is ok, but balance isn’t always 50/50; in fact, it rarely is. It could be 65/35, 90/10 … it’s creating the “balance” of activities that keeps us from feeling bogged down, exhausted, and stuck.
Our concept of work/life balance allows us to believe that work is separate from life … and they are not two mutually exclusive things. How could they be? Work is a part of life.
How can you balance a part of your life (work) within the whole?
And why is it we so often feel work as a negative in our life when looking at balance?
Other than work, what’s worth spending time and energy on? Are there non-negotiables in your life? What are they? Family? Friends? Health? Play? Do we want to truly balance all these other pieces of life evenly with work? Is that even realistic?
So often we place much of our time and focus on a few areas of our life, and neglect the rest. And unfortunately, it’s not always the truly important pieces that get our time and attention. Let’s face it—the squeaky wheel does get the oil.
We put our blinders on and we go, go, go. We rarely slow down and honestly look at the choices we’re making and the long term impact of each of them. We’re in the movie instead of watching the movie as my Shihan always said … in other words, we’re so focused on what’s in front of us, we don’t see the big picture.
I love this quote by Stephen Covey,
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”
For a moment, I’d like you to imagine what life would be like if you did this, consistently?
What if you scheduled your priorities? What would they be?
What’s truly important to you? What are your non-negotiables in life?
What do you want the rest of the year to look like for you? And for your family? What are your priorities? Schedule them. Make them a priority. See what happens when you do.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to get clear on your priorities—your non-negotiables—in life and honor them consistently? Click Here to apply for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now! Make you a non-negotiable!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt |
To be successful in both business and life, often the key is below the surface and we need to discover it to open the door on all that we desire.
“What’s your passion—your why?”
This is a question I ask women often. And it’s one of the most difficult questions for us to slow down and honestly think about and allow ourselves to answer. We hem and haw a bit, attempting to put into words what our calling is, where our passion lies … where it went.
It takes some serious digging to get in there and reconnect to what it is we love to do after so many years of putting others first; putting ourselves, our career, our passion, and desires on the back burner.
At an early age, we’re often taught (and rewarded) for putting others’ needs first and setting ours aside … we’re such a “good girl” for being so nice, being modest, for not being “selfish”, and not rocking the boat (read more about the Inner Good Girl here). We receive praise for doing things “the way we’re supposed to;” the way we’re expected to and not make waves. We become very good at doing for others and putting ourselves—our wants—after everyone else has been taken care of.
When I ask what it is that lights these women up—what fills THEIR bucket—a veil of judgement and lack of self-worth gets in the way of them connecting to what exactly that is. Judgement about what they feel they deserve, or the permission to want what they want.
As a coach, I find it necessary to have someone continually keep our wants, our desires, our values, in clear view … to always refer us back to our foundational Essence, our Self, in order to help us when we get stuck or lose our way.
My coach recently asked me to write down my “WHY” of what I do … the “Essence” of the work I do with my clients. She had me to do this assignment to become even more deeply committed to my work … to fan the flame of desire within my soul. Even though I’m extremely connected to my WHY, this was still a difficult and VERY thought-provoking assignment to put down on paper.
Slowing down and deeply connecting to my “Essence”—to my WHY—has been a nourishing experience. The women I chose to share this with have told me this is a powerful piece and it should be shared.
Mind chatter and vulnerability be damned … here is my Essence.
My wish is that it helps you truly connect to yours.
My Essence
To teach women
That we are, in fact, enough …
- Good enough
- Smart enough
- Sexy enough
- Soft enough
- Strong enough
- Disciplined enough
- Driven enough
And that we aren’t …
- Too strong
- Too outspoken
- Too powerful
- Too smart
- Too loud
- Too quiet
- Too sexy
- Too “vanilla”
- Too driven
- Too big
- Too small
- Too … much
Do we really want to pretend to be someone we’re not in order to be liked, loved, accepted? To be (or appear to be) successful? Do we honestly want to spend our precious time and emotional energy on being someone we’re not in order to avoid possible criticism, perceived embarrassment, or any multitude of stories we tell ourselves could potentially happen?
Is it really worth living our lives according to what others expect of us, just in case our self-limiting beliefs may, by chance, be true? And, let’s be honest, they never are.
When we show up as someone else and pretend to be someone we are not, it’s not only exhausting, but how can we ever fully define, claim, and reach our dreams when it’s not actually “us” defining and acting on them?
When we release the self-imposed way we need to show up in order to not be evicted from our tribe, avoiding failure at ALL costs, and we let go of the mind chatter that does not—I repeat, DOES NOT—serve us in becoming the woman we intended to be, we can then embrace our authentic Self with love, compassion, and kickass mofo gusto.
From here, from THIS SPACE, is where we stop giving away our power, our voice, our truth, our worth … We stop leaving so much on the table, financially AND emotionally, and start living a life true to ourselves and not what others expect of us.
THIS, from this space, is when we are fully capable of creating the life we want as a woman, mother, partner, friend, entrepreneur. Intentionally. Confidently. And WITHOUT apology.
My Mission is to create a safe space for women entrepreneurs to show up, step up, and own their beliefs, their voice, their power, their worth … their truth in order to create the life they want as a woman and a business owner. It all feeds upon each other, it’s all exponential. Either way you go.
When we choose to shine our light brightly, people can choose to be illuminated by it, or be in its shadow … but let’s be clear here, it is a choice.
My clients WANT accountability; in fact, they crave it. They tell me time and time again, it’s the Tough Love With Love piece that drew them to me. They desperately want a safe non-judgmental space for us to “look at their shit” so they can finally own their story, change their beliefs, begin trusting in themselves (again), and start consistently growing their business.
They want me to hold the line for them so they can step up … over and over again; pushing further each time.
When we have someone who believes in us, our capacity to believe in ourselves expands.
Their defenses have gotten so effective over the years that few can peer in and see the “voice,” the mind chatter, that rules these women. But it does, and with an iron fist … it can be brutal and extremely debilitating.
They keep it well hidden underneath shame, safe from view, safe from judgement, and safe from criticism. Vulnerability is not an option.
Our work together gently and compassionately exposes the mind chatter for what it is (bullshit), releasing the white knuckled grip it’s had on these women for years so they can finally own the powerful beautiful Self they are.
This, THIS is my WHY ….
And with full transparency here, I speak from experience and stand alongside these women.
For many years the repetitive mind chatter that went on in my head had me “being” someone I simply was not in order to keep the peace, to silence myself and “take it” in order to diffuse anger, avoid criticism, or avoid being found out as a fraud; that I did, in fact, not know what the hell I was doing every moment of the day or every step I took in my business.
Playing small, quieting my voice, silencing my desires, and disconnecting from my dreams … all because of the stories that were playing in my head … that NEVER, EVER played out the way I told them to myself.
There were many times throughout the years I would discover myself being busy, oh so damn busy, creating something big “over here” but not actually doing the scary work of putting myself out there, sharing my gifts, my intelligence, my strengths, OR (especially) my weaknesses … as I mentioned, vulnerability WAS NOT an option. Smoke and mirrors baby, smoke and mirrors ….
Each time I discovered myself doing this I would take note. It was uncomfortable, yet I would label and notice my actions, what it was that had triggered me, and what it was that supported me. This simple tip right here, label and notice, has been immensely helpful along my journey of figuring out who the hell I am, my Essence.
Take the veil of judgement out of things and it’s amazing what you can discover.
And the relief. Ohhh, the relief. To show up fully, intentionally and to live authentically, now HERE, from this space is where your Essence will be found.
Go ahead, make a cup of tea, pour a glass of wine, close the door, put a Do Not Disturb sign up, put your phone on mute … grab a note book and pen, and get comfortable.
“The question isn’t who’s going to let me … it’s who’s going to stop me” Ayn Rand
So, what is your Essence—your why?
If time and resources were of no concern, what would you do? Who would you be?
Who are you being when you’re lit up, joyful, and fulfilled?
What do you need to let go of to bring more of this into your life?
What one step could you take today to connect to your Essence—your Why?
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to stop giving away your power, your voice, your truth, your worth and stop leaving so much on the table, financially AND emotionally? Click Here to apply for a complimentary Clarity Consultation with me …let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth |
Many of us are familiar with our Inner Critic, (I share more about that here ) but did you know that often, right alongside her is an Inner Good Girl and she can wreak just as much, if not more, havoc?
Meet GG. She’s my Inner Good Girl, and, damn, she gets a hold of my ankles with a white knuckled grip more often than I’d care to admit.
Our Inner Good Girl, our GG (some may even call her the Inner Bitch) can get us all twisted up doing things that we don’t necessarily want to do or need to do … things that don’t bring us closer to the life we want as business owners.
Yet, for some reason we so often feel we “should” say yes to what’s asked of us … feeling the pressure to be a good mom, loving wife, competent business owner, attentive friend, and active community member (oh, and making it all look easy). Should-ing all over our Self, may I say, is never a good way to get ahead. Trust me.
AND, let’s admit it, it can be exhausting carrying around the weight of it all.
Our Good Girl usually starts when we’re younger, when following the rules kept us in the good graces of those in authority … we got really good at figuring out what the authority figures (parents, teachers, bosses) in our life wanted then. We adapted. We accommodated. In turn, we’d receive praise, a pat on the head, a gold star, or maybe even avoidance of someone’s anger.
A perfect example of how the Inner Good Girl can affect the way we show up in our business is found in one of my former clients, Sofia (though not her real name, she did give the green light for me to share her story so other women may benefit from her insights). Sofia was dealing with a Hulk of a Good Girl as she worked on growing her business and stepping into the limelight.
Sofia is a driven thirty-something entrepreneur. She’s in business with two other people—both men with resumes that clearly convey their experience.
Now, Sophia is an amazingly brilliant young woman who wanted to be a Rebel and a Revolutionary in her field … she had the education, commitment, drive, and intelligence to be exactly those things, and more. Yet, there was something that kept her from doing what it took to harness this power.
Sophia was constantly busying herself with lots of work but, more often than not, it wasn’t the work that would move her closer to Rebel and Revolutionary status. In fact, it kept her back. Again, she had all she needed to step into these roles and OWN them. Lock. Stock. And Barrel.
She knew she needed to make space in her life for her creativity to surface. For her Revolutionary ideas to come to her. For the book she had in her to be written. For the software she wanted to create, and for that Rebel to show up and kick butt.
Sophia knew this, yet she kept herself chained to her desk only allowing herself to close her computer and step away from it to be creative once she had finished the work she deemed as more important to check off her list. This led her to feel agitated, frustrated, limited, and certainly didn’t do the relationship with her husband any good either … it was a vicious cycle. Hard to show up and be a Revolutionary when you’re tired, frustrated, and feeling limited.
When Sophia and I first met, she described this amazing business she wanted to build with her partners, as well as an image of the woman she wanted to be in this business. At first glance, it looked like Self-Doubt, the voice of the Inner Critic, was the beast she needed to tame. Yet, as we started to work together and got clear on what she wanted her business and lifestyle to be—how she wanted to show up in the world, it became so obvious that she was actually HIDING behind her Good Girl.
Together through coaching, we uncovered that Sophia was brought up being told:
- Good Girls don’t speak up.
- Good Girls don’t call attention to themselves.
- Good Girls don’t boast, flirt, or make waves
- Good girls perceive what others need and adapt to it.
WOW. Sofia’s Inner Good Girl had her all tangled up, holding her back from stepping into the powerful and bold woman she is … one that would most certainly be a Rebel, a Revolutionary, and easily create that life she wanted as a business woman that she so often dreamed of.
How could this vibrant, intelligent, driven, entrepreneur be a Rebel and Revolutionary when she was told it wasn’t “pretty” or acceptable to be so? Literally, it wasn’t pretty. WE CANNOT ATTRACT TO US THAT WHICH WE DISLIKE.
Once the sirens went off for Sophia and her inner light turned on, she started to see that each time she got stuck, she was busying herself with things that looked important but didn’t move her closer to her goals because she was being a Good Girl: not speaking up and not calling attention to her brilliance.
She was able to see what was going on for her when she quieted her Self, and is now able to lean into this bigger space instead of hiding within her Good Girl.
And did I mention, she’s a Rebel, a Revolutionary, and well on her way to her dream?
So, where might your GG be showing up and sabotaging your dream? Take a few moments to ask yourself these questions and journal what surfaces. And, when you’ve explored enough, please reach out to me here, [email protected], so we can quiet that GG and step boldly toward that dream.
Where is your Inner Good Girl getting you tangled up and bogged down?
What are some of her beliefs that no longer serve you? What new beliefs could you replace them with?
What do you need to let go of to start moving past your Inner Good Girl?
What’s the first step you could take that would that would move you past your GG and closer to your dreams?
I’d love to hear your comments. And if you’re ready to move past your Inner Good Girl and start doing what it takes to create the business and lifestyle you want, Click Here to apply for a complimentary Clarity Consultation with me …let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life you want as a business owner, now!
