Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Mindset and self-doubt impact our success in business and in life. We know this and yet, we allow self-doubt and other barriers to find their way into our thinking.
Do you ever get caught up with being overly concerned of what others think?
Do you alter who you are, what you’re doing, or even perhaps your goals because of what you think others will think of you?
I know I have and my clients have, too. A topic that consistently pops up in our conversations is their fear of what other people think of them.
Most of the fear we as women have about putting ourselves out there—about pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone and Playing Big in life and in business—is around what others think of us:
- “People will be upset about what I have to say.”
- “I’ll lose credibility with my colleagues.”
- “My family or friends will disapprove.”
- “I’ll embarrass myself.”
Suddenly, what we only believe to be their thinking becomes our thinking. It’s as if we’ve handed over the reins of the stagecoach of our minds. We give over our power and stop investing our time and energy in what lights us up—all because of our fear of not being good enough … because of our own fabricated “story” of what someone may possibly be thinking. The thinking is imaginary but the fear is real.
This fear has the ability to stop us on our path to success … quickly and thoroughly.
If we truly want to create the life we dream of, we can no longer depend on positive feedback, someone’s approval, OR fear someone’s disapproval. We must create our own thoughts—our own mindset—and from that, our own reality.
We become so attached to praise, needing—almost craving—it, that when we don’t get it, we feel deflated. It’s like we’ve done something wrong because we didn’t receive recognition for our hard work.
When we get used to doing something with the payoff of praise, and that praise doesn’t come, we can feel like a failure, even if our work was Kickass!
And when we receive criticism, it can really trip us up. It can make us feel vulnerable or misunderstood. It can even make us feel like a fraud … as if our lack of knowledge or ability has been exposed.
It can distract us and make us question if we’re actually good at what we do or maybe whether we’ve chosen the wrong path or the wrong passion for our abilities.
This fear can create an amazing amount of stress for us as we build our business, our careers … making it difficult to do our work and put ourselves out there.
Over time, the fear of not being good enough and fearing criticism can grow so intense, we stop putting ourselves out there all together.
If we want to play big, if we want to build a business and create the lifestyle we want … if we want to push our boundaries and step out of our comfort zone, we’ve got to let go of what other people think … we’ve got to let go of the “high” praise gives us.
And, we’ve got to realize that when we’re exposing our work to a larger audience, it’s likely we’re going to receive criticism. It’s that simple … simple, yet not easy, to let go of. (Read more about simple vs easy here)
Take a moment to check out your favorite author or artist on Amazon.com (or any other books sellers) and look at the list of wonderful positive reviews people have written about their books … AND notice there are a few negative reviews in there as well.
Does this mean the book is no good or not worth reading? No! Not at all! It often means the person reading the book isn’t the author’s target market. The review doesn’t always tell us about the book, it tells us about the person giving the feedback.
Can you imagine your favorite author not writing because of receiving criticism about their work? And, just as you do, they, too, received a negative review or two along their way to success, right?
The same goes for praise. Receiving praise doesn’t always tell us about ourselves or our work, it tells about the person giving the feedback and what they like.
Now, I’m not suggesting we have to stop caring what other people think all together…we don’t need to stop wanting praise, lots of clients, plenty of likes on your Facebook posts … or having a positive, receptive audience … we all enjoy praise to some extent and turning our back to it entirely won’t be effective either.
And we don’t need to stop caring about negative feedback either.
We simply need to start looking inward for answers instead of outward for validation.
Instead, let’s look at whether we want to make choices in our life, business, or career through the lens of someone else’s ideals, values, desires, and perspectives or through our own.
When we make choices in our life according to what others think, we give away our power and, with it, our authenticity.
There are many reasons why we’re so concerned about what others think, positive or negative … especially as women.
We’ve been taught to be the good girl (Read more about the Good Girl here); to be sensitive; be aware of others feelings; to notice when someone is upset, bored, distracted, or angry. We readily take in the emotions of others, and this alone will impact the way we put ourselves out there.
Criticism can stop us in our tracks, especially if it’s a belief we have about our Self …it’s like we’ve been exposed, even if that belief is not true.
The next time you feel like you’re getting hooked by fear of what others think, get curious.
Ask yourself:
Is there a negative belief about myself that’s being triggered?
Where do I trip up the most in regard to criticism? To praise? Label and notice so you can be ready for it before getting hooked again.
What’s more important to you than receiving praise? Avoiding criticism? Get, and stay, in touch with your work and life goals and let them guide you fueled only by your own feedback and internal praise for success.
I’d love to hear what helps and hinders you as you strive toward goals. What’s been your experience with the role of mindset? Drop me a note here or set up a free complimentary Clarity Call if you’d like to explore this further. Let’s take back the reins and charge your goals together.
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Anger. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of business. Yet, many of us seem to have difficulty with it. Acknowledging it. Expressing it. Even simply allowing ourselves to feel it.
We’ve been taught over the years that anger isn’t pretty. It isn’t feminine. That we’re ball-busters if we choose to express it. Some soften its reality by referring to it as “displeasure.” It won’t hurt us to name it and claim it. In fact, it will hurt us (and our business) if we don’t.
As a woman, I admit: it’s hard to fully embrace anger. We’re supposed to be the nurturers, the ones who take care of and soothe others—not the ones that speak up and ruffle feathers.
We all feel anger at times. Just like any other emotion, it’s a part of who we are. A piece of the whole woman.
Expressing anger can be perceived as aggressive and “cold”… extremely unappealing and totally unfeminine, so we tend to avoid it, at much cost to our Self.
We’ve not only been taught to avoid showing our anger, we’ve been discouraged to feel it, or even recognize it.
When we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel the emotion of anger, how on earth can we learn to express it in a healthy and productive way in any relationship?
And how can we live a truly authentic life if we’re not willing to show our dark not-so-pretty side?
Our anger scares us because we haven’t been taught how to effectively express and use it to create the change we need in order to work through our anger and let it go.
We’re fearful of going from one extreme (constantly suppressing) to the other (screaming lunatic).
So we avoid situations, discussions, people, our dreams, desires … life, because they put us in direct contact with our anger.
I invite you to think about this perspective: we need to walk through anger (and all emotions) from one end to the other to explore, feel it, own it, express it, in order to tame it. We need to know what all levels look and feel like to us so we can keep what supports us and let go of what doesn’t.
And ladies, let me be super clear on this: we’re entitled to feel, fully, each and every one of our emotions, and that includes anger. Everyone is entitled. That means others are entitled to their anger as well.
Not having been taught, or respectfully shown, how to express anger, we can be afraid of it … not only unsure of how to express it, but we fear how (and where) it might actually “come out”.
How many of you can name more than one or two women who own and confidently express their anger in a productive way that gets their point and their needs across? They own it, state it, use it to make change and move on, respectfully.
Anger affects us. It motivates us to do things or to avoid things. When we’ve been wronged but feel we don’t have the power, the words, or the right to speak up, we carry this into other areas of our lives. (Read about our Inner Good Girl here)
So we push it down, avoid looking at what it is we are actually angry about and then pick an argument about something totally unrelated to what set us off in the first place, and possibly not even with the same person that sparked our anger.
Not productive on any level.
Often we avoid anger because of the consequences it will bring. We feel we need to choose between expressing ourselves or staying in a relationship; be it romantic, family, friend, or business.
We question whether we’re “wrong” about our emotion … perhaps the other person is right and we are, in fact, the one who the anger should be directed towards. Read more about self-doubt here.
The more we turn away from and ignore our emotions—what our intuition is telling us—the more disconnected we become and we eventually lose the ability to recognize anger for what it is, an internal alarm letting us know something’s not right.
Ladies, this life of ours is not a dress rehearsal. None of us are getting out alive, so we may as well embrace who we are and enjoy it… Agree?
Where did you first get your messages/beliefs about anger?
What does it say about you when you’re angry?
Do you fear your anger? What is your biggest fear around it?
Where might you be keeping the emotion of anger safely tucked away?
Are you feeling ready to name and claim it? Perhaps I can help.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to explore the range of emotion anger can bring…feel it, own it, express it and tame it so you can create lasting change in your relationships? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me and let’s get you confidently moving towards the life and business of your dreams, no!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Discipline, specifically self-discipline is a critical component to a successful and satisfying business. In fact, it was the underlying theme in response to a question I posed in a recent email asking women about their biggest challenge at the moment. Almost everyone identified self-discipline … disciplining ourselves to do the work “necessary” to advance our career, create a healthier lifestyle, improve relationships, keep ourselves organized and focused, and to create balance in our lives (read more about balance here).
Discipline has such a negative “feel” to it, doesn’t it?
To me, it brings up images of a teacher with a ruler ready to crack my knuckles if I “step out of line.” Not pleasant. Not inviting. And, certainly NOT motivating. How about you? What vision comes up for you when you think of discipline?
I’m guessing nothing pleasant, inviting, and motivating.
Why is it, then, that we feel the need to rely on discipline alone to be productive, make things happen, and motivate ourselves?
The concept that self-discipline will motivate us to do more and be better feels a bit heavy to me; sort of a ball and chain to drag around to ensure we don’t (easily) venture too far out into the wild.
I will agree: We do need discipline within our day to make things happen … to create that life we envision for ourselves. The one we’re reaching for.
Yet, when we phrase it as “self-discipline” it feels more like a “should” than something we want to do to design and create that which we desire.
Discipline will push us to do more (at times), but I invite you to think about what would feel better to you when looking at your mile long “to-do” list? Because, when we feel better, we do better—physically, emotionally, and financially.
Discipline also has the ability to keep us stuck. Let me explain….
When we come from a place of “needing to” and “should do,” it feels a bit heavy and takes away from our drive—our motivation to continue the “work” towards our goals.
Then, as things get difficult (and they inevitably do as we stretch, learn, and grow), and our to-do list looks like a three-headed monster, it becomes easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, agitated, and perhaps even lazy … which in turn makes it is easy for us to get tripped up in the mind chatter and fall behind on our daily, weekly, monthly to-do lists … and, eventually, feel like we don’t have the discipline it takes at all. And then we compromise on our dream, or let go of it all together.
Soon after, the voice of self-doubt starts to question our intentions, our abilities, and our “discipline” … and we question if we actually have what it takes. (Read more about self-doubt, the voice of our inner critic here).
Our definition—our “story”—of what self-discipline is, what it “should” look like in our lives and along our journey to success, has an amazing ability to wreak havoc with our success.
Our idea of discipline can get in the way of us noticing our successes as we move along our path. And let’s be honest here, we need to own and embrace our successes along the way (big AND small). Otherwise, what’s the point of it all?
It’s the journey that fills our buckets, not the end result.
It’s the feeling of driving that shiny red convertible, not the car itself.
Curiosity and compassion … two beautiful and oh-so-supportive words in the English language.
When we get curious about and connect to our WHY of what we want, this allows us compassion for our Self in our busy days (read more about our Why is our way to success here).
It shifts the focus and feel to more of a pull towards our dreams and goals, rather than a push.
Pushing has resistance. A pull has a magnetic feel to it, drawing you to what it is you want in this one big beautiful life.
Talent, strength, and passion are wonderful assets to get us moving in the direction of our dreams. But they aren’t always enough to keep us on track when things get bogged down in the not so sexy details of creating the life we want.
Shifting our mindset to think about our steps, our to-dos, our “shoulds,” as more of a gift to our Self instead of as a cost, will allow the grip of self-discipline to soften.
Motivate yourself not by fear or by what you don’t want, but by connecting to what each step along the path will ultimately give you.
Define what self-discipline means to you. Be specific.
Where did your beliefs around self-discipline originate? Are they serving you to be the best version of your Self?
What new beliefs around self-discipline would support you in being the woman, wife, mother, friend, business woman you intend to become?
What new beliefs would support you in going for your goals and attaining them?
What successes along the way have you failed to celebrate? Write them down and keep them where you can look at them whenever you need. Celebrate and motivate yourself to continue. Use discipline—self-discipline—to help, not hinder, the journey.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to stop relying on self-discipline alone and start leaning into your strengths to “pull” you towards your goals? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt, Uncategorized |
Everyone knows that to grow a business, a strong marketing plan is so important and part of a strong marketing plan includes social media and that may mean live streaming on Facebook Live. Well, for me, this was a big pill to swallow … realizing I needed to take a bit of my own “medicine” and push myself out of my comfy zone.
My coach and colleagues have been nudging (ok, I admit it, pushing … envision a foot to the butt here) me to step out and start doing Facebook Live. It’s something I know I’ve needed to do to get myself and my message out there in front of the women I want to serve.
It really was quite simple, hit “live’ and talk about what I’m passionate about. It. Just. Wasn’t. That. Easy. (read more about simple vs easy here).
My fear had me by the ankles, but the funny thing was, I wasn’t even spending much time thinking about it … I was simply, unknowingly, being busy “over here” and ignoring what was going on “over there” in the live streaming world.
Moving through fear into action is rarely an easy thing. It can be a tad uncomfortable, and vulnerability hasn’t always been something I’m comfortable with.
Well, with some transparency here, I’ll admit, vulnerability is not something I’ve become comfortable with, it’s just that not allowing it space in my life (business AND personal) has become far more uncomfortable than avoiding it.
“You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.” ~ Brene Brown
I didn’t know what it was that was holding me back from jumping on Facebook Live, but I eventually became aware that I was busying myself with all sorts of other things that took my attention … and at the end of each day I hadn’t done it and it got put it on my list of things to get to tomorrow. Can any of you ladies relate?
And the fact that I can stand up and confidently speak to a room full of women made it even easier for me to look the other way and not own my “shit”—my fear. How could I be fearful of Facebook Live when I would happily stand on my soapbox and share my passion in front of a room full of a hundred women? Crazy, I wasn’t fearful. Ha. Then I looked in the mirror.
Ugh. I realized it was time to get a clear view of what the hell was going on.
Was it comfortable? Nope. Necessary? Oh, hell yeah.
And, “That which we resist, persists,” Damn—that Carl Jung was onto something….
I had reverted back to my old ways of being busy doing all sorts of things that appeared to be moving me in the direction of my goals, but were not. Well, to be totally truthful here, those “things” were moving me closer, just at a snail’s pace.
Moving at a pace that kept me within my comfort zone.
When I “saw” this it was waaay more uncomfortable to stay put then to push myself out of the king sized pillow topped feather bed comfort zone I was snuggled into.
We have to be willing to do something poorly in order to figure out how to do it well.
I had to be willing to fail in order to succeed. For more on our fear of failure click here…
And I certainly had to be willing to let go of my firm grip on perfectionism if this is something I guide the women I work with to do.
Did I fail on my first Facebook Live? I don’t think so. Did I crush it? Umm, no, definitely not. BUT, I moved through my fear, learned a beautiful lesson, and here I am today writing this blog, sharing my growth, and not a scratch on me. Huh, who woulda thunk. Check out my live stream video by clicking on the photo below and tell me what you think.
And that medicine that I needed to take … tasted more like a gummy vitamin.
- Where might you be unknowingly “hiding” in your business?
- What vulnerability may be keeping you from pushing beyond your comfort zone?
- And what one step are you willing to commit to, to move closer to your goals, your dreams?
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable and pick up the speed on success? Click Here to download an application for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt |
A work/life balance is something many of my private coaching clients strive for. Work/Life balance—it’s tricky. Actually, I’d say it’s bullshit if I’m being completely honest.
The concept of balance, in general, is ok, but balance isn’t always 50/50; in fact, it rarely is. It could be 65/35, 90/10 … it’s creating the “balance” of activities that keeps us from feeling bogged down, exhausted, and stuck.
Our concept of work/life balance allows us to believe that work is separate from life … and they are not two mutually exclusive things. How could they be? Work is a part of life.
How can you balance a part of your life (work) within the whole?
And why is it we so often feel work as a negative in our life when looking at balance?
Other than work, what’s worth spending time and energy on? Are there non-negotiables in your life? What are they? Family? Friends? Health? Play? Do we want to truly balance all these other pieces of life evenly with work? Is that even realistic?
So often we place much of our time and focus on a few areas of our life, and neglect the rest. And unfortunately, it’s not always the truly important pieces that get our time and attention. Let’s face it—the squeaky wheel does get the oil.
We put our blinders on and we go, go, go. We rarely slow down and honestly look at the choices we’re making and the long term impact of each of them. We’re in the movie instead of watching the movie as my Shihan always said … in other words, we’re so focused on what’s in front of us, we don’t see the big picture.
I love this quote by Stephen Covey,
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”
For a moment, I’d like you to imagine what life would be like if you did this, consistently?
What if you scheduled your priorities? What would they be?
What’s truly important to you? What are your non-negotiables in life?
What do you want the rest of the year to look like for you? And for your family? What are your priorities? Schedule them. Make them a priority. See what happens when you do.
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to get clear on your priorities—your non-negotiables—in life and honor them consistently? Click Here to apply for a free Clarity Consultation with me … let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now! Make you a non-negotiable!
Fear of Failure, Good Girl, growth, Inner Critic, Self Growth, Self-Doubt |
To be successful in both business and life, often the key is below the surface and we need to discover it to open the door on all that we desire.
“What’s your passion—your why?”
This is a question I ask women often. And it’s one of the most difficult questions for us to slow down and honestly think about and allow ourselves to answer. We hem and haw a bit, attempting to put into words what our calling is, where our passion lies … where it went.
It takes some serious digging to get in there and reconnect to what it is we love to do after so many years of putting others first; putting ourselves, our career, our passion, and desires on the back burner.
At an early age, we’re often taught (and rewarded) for putting others’ needs first and setting ours aside … we’re such a “good girl” for being so nice, being modest, for not being “selfish”, and not rocking the boat (read more about the Inner Good Girl here). We receive praise for doing things “the way we’re supposed to;” the way we’re expected to and not make waves. We become very good at doing for others and putting ourselves—our wants—after everyone else has been taken care of.
When I ask what it is that lights these women up—what fills THEIR bucket—a veil of judgement and lack of self-worth gets in the way of them connecting to what exactly that is. Judgement about what they feel they deserve, or the permission to want what they want.
As a coach, I find it necessary to have someone continually keep our wants, our desires, our values, in clear view … to always refer us back to our foundational Essence, our Self, in order to help us when we get stuck or lose our way.
My coach recently asked me to write down my “WHY” of what I do … the “Essence” of the work I do with my clients. She had me to do this assignment to become even more deeply committed to my work … to fan the flame of desire within my soul. Even though I’m extremely connected to my WHY, this was still a difficult and VERY thought-provoking assignment to put down on paper.
Slowing down and deeply connecting to my “Essence”—to my WHY—has been a nourishing experience. The women I chose to share this with have told me this is a powerful piece and it should be shared.
Mind chatter and vulnerability be damned … here is my Essence.
My wish is that it helps you truly connect to yours.
My Essence
To teach women
That we are, in fact, enough …
- Good enough
- Smart enough
- Sexy enough
- Soft enough
- Strong enough
- Disciplined enough
- Driven enough
And that we aren’t …
- Too strong
- Too outspoken
- Too powerful
- Too smart
- Too loud
- Too quiet
- Too sexy
- Too “vanilla”
- Too driven
- Too big
- Too small
- Too … much
Do we really want to pretend to be someone we’re not in order to be liked, loved, accepted? To be (or appear to be) successful? Do we honestly want to spend our precious time and emotional energy on being someone we’re not in order to avoid possible criticism, perceived embarrassment, or any multitude of stories we tell ourselves could potentially happen?
Is it really worth living our lives according to what others expect of us, just in case our self-limiting beliefs may, by chance, be true? And, let’s be honest, they never are.
When we show up as someone else and pretend to be someone we are not, it’s not only exhausting, but how can we ever fully define, claim, and reach our dreams when it’s not actually “us” defining and acting on them?
When we release the self-imposed way we need to show up in order to not be evicted from our tribe, avoiding failure at ALL costs, and we let go of the mind chatter that does not—I repeat, DOES NOT—serve us in becoming the woman we intended to be, we can then embrace our authentic Self with love, compassion, and kickass mofo gusto.
From here, from THIS SPACE, is where we stop giving away our power, our voice, our truth, our worth … We stop leaving so much on the table, financially AND emotionally, and start living a life true to ourselves and not what others expect of us.
THIS, from this space, is when we are fully capable of creating the life we want as a woman, mother, partner, friend, entrepreneur. Intentionally. Confidently. And WITHOUT apology.
My Mission is to create a safe space for women entrepreneurs to show up, step up, and own their beliefs, their voice, their power, their worth … their truth in order to create the life they want as a woman and a business owner. It all feeds upon each other, it’s all exponential. Either way you go.
When we choose to shine our light brightly, people can choose to be illuminated by it, or be in its shadow … but let’s be clear here, it is a choice.
My clients WANT accountability; in fact, they crave it. They tell me time and time again, it’s the Tough Love With Love piece that drew them to me. They desperately want a safe non-judgmental space for us to “look at their shit” so they can finally own their story, change their beliefs, begin trusting in themselves (again), and start consistently growing their business.
They want me to hold the line for them so they can step up … over and over again; pushing further each time.
When we have someone who believes in us, our capacity to believe in ourselves expands.
Their defenses have gotten so effective over the years that few can peer in and see the “voice,” the mind chatter, that rules these women. But it does, and with an iron fist … it can be brutal and extremely debilitating.
They keep it well hidden underneath shame, safe from view, safe from judgement, and safe from criticism. Vulnerability is not an option.
Our work together gently and compassionately exposes the mind chatter for what it is (bullshit), releasing the white knuckled grip it’s had on these women for years so they can finally own the powerful beautiful Self they are.
This, THIS is my WHY ….
And with full transparency here, I speak from experience and stand alongside these women.
For many years the repetitive mind chatter that went on in my head had me “being” someone I simply was not in order to keep the peace, to silence myself and “take it” in order to diffuse anger, avoid criticism, or avoid being found out as a fraud; that I did, in fact, not know what the hell I was doing every moment of the day or every step I took in my business.
Playing small, quieting my voice, silencing my desires, and disconnecting from my dreams … all because of the stories that were playing in my head … that NEVER, EVER played out the way I told them to myself.
There were many times throughout the years I would discover myself being busy, oh so damn busy, creating something big “over here” but not actually doing the scary work of putting myself out there, sharing my gifts, my intelligence, my strengths, OR (especially) my weaknesses … as I mentioned, vulnerability WAS NOT an option. Smoke and mirrors baby, smoke and mirrors ….
Each time I discovered myself doing this I would take note. It was uncomfortable, yet I would label and notice my actions, what it was that had triggered me, and what it was that supported me. This simple tip right here, label and notice, has been immensely helpful along my journey of figuring out who the hell I am, my Essence.
Take the veil of judgement out of things and it’s amazing what you can discover.
And the relief. Ohhh, the relief. To show up fully, intentionally and to live authentically, now HERE, from this space is where your Essence will be found.
Go ahead, make a cup of tea, pour a glass of wine, close the door, put a Do Not Disturb sign up, put your phone on mute … grab a note book and pen, and get comfortable.
“The question isn’t who’s going to let me … it’s who’s going to stop me” Ayn Rand
So, what is your Essence—your why?
If time and resources were of no concern, what would you do? Who would you be?
Who are you being when you’re lit up, joyful, and fulfilled?
What do you need to let go of to bring more of this into your life?
What one step could you take today to connect to your Essence—your Why?
I’d love to hear your comments. Are you ready to stop giving away your power, your voice, your truth, your worth and stop leaving so much on the table, financially AND emotionally? Click Here to apply for a complimentary Clarity Consultation with me …let’s get you intentionally moving towards the life and business of your dreams, now!
