Business Success |
How Shame Shapes Success
“Shame is a soul-eating emotion.” – Carl Jung
Shame. It’s a universal phenomenon; we all experience it at times. It can keep us chasing perfectionism, spinning in imposter syndrome, and sprinting into lockdown mode.
Recall a time when you experienced shame. It might have been a reaction to judgment by others…or maybe it was your own.
More than likely, you had feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and a belief that something is wrong with you. This belief is fertile ground for a lack of self-trust to take root, ultimately eroding your self-confidence and relationships, as well as business success.
Shame can often run our lives and undermine our success, but far too often, we keep it hidden. We’re ashamed of being ashamed…a big reason why we stay stuck in a cycle of wanting change but not asking for help.
Shame loves silence
What I know for sure is shame loves silence. I speak from experience.
There was a time in my life when, from the outside looking in, I had life by the tail; strong, confident, loving, straight-talking, and unapologetically boundary-bearing. Yet, in my most important relationship, I had given my voice, and hence self-confidence, away. Talk about imposter syndrome, lack of self-trust, and chasing perfectionism…and a mountain of soul-sucking shame.
My self-bullying was in full-on attack mode.
Diminished joy, lack of self-confidence, and unhealthy relationships (aka, lack of boundaries) are some of the more obvious impacts of shame. What isn’t always so apparent is how shame shapes your success in business.
It’s impossible to get the support you need (personally and professionally) when you’re too ashamed to admit things are not as they seem. So you sit in the discomfort of knowing something’s got to give but not clear on what and feeling too vulnerable to ask for help.
To others, it looks like you’re happy, confident, and successful but the reality is you’re white-knuckling it on the inside, needing help and (especially) a safe space to explore what’s going on for you.
Feelings of unhappiness and shame are hard and let’s admit, on the surface may seem easier to ignore; believing if you just worked harder, you’d figure it out. That rarely happens.
A few of the long-term consequences of not seeking help are a struggling business, low to no self-esteem, and unbalanced relationships.
3 Ways to Recognize & Remove the Cycle of Shame
Self-Compassion Will Release the Grip of Shame
You can’t have success without self-compassion.
It’s impossible to do the work necessary in business when sitting in shame and cloaked in imposter syndrome; lacking the emotional safety you need to put your ideas out into the world confidently.
No doubt, Maslow had it right with his hierarchy of needs. Before we can be motivated to move to the next level in our life (and hence our business), we need to have a foundation of safety so that we can try and fail and learn from the experience… then hit delete instead of rewind, stopping shame before it takes root.
Approaching what’s going on with a healthy dose of compassionate curiosity, and unhooking from judgment (mostly our own), allows you to let go of perfectionism and negative self-talk so you can explore your triggers and release them.
When you practice self-compassion, you’re more aware and less judgmental of your thoughts and actions, making it easier to pivot your focus in the moment and move towards what brings you happiness rather than into hiding.
You can’t become what you can’t overcome. Self-compassion helps get you there.
Do a Shame Reality Check
Our perception is our reality. What we believe to be so, is so for us.
All behavior is belief driven, thought driven.
Your thoughts have tremendous power; they determine your mood, your self-image, your actions…your success.
Can you think of someone who isn’t living into their potential because of their belief about themselves? What are your beliefs about yourself?
When sitting it shame it’s like looking at life through the zoom lens of a camera, all you can focus in on is your flawed self. It’s easy to get lost in the identity of your repetitive negative self-talk, distracting you from your goals.
Do a reality check and be vigilant about what you’re thinking. Is it propelling you forward or keeping you stuck? Bringing you joy, or bringing you down?
Creativity and aligned inspiration will flourish in joy and positive thinking.
Challenge the story you have going on that’s creating feelings of shame. Ask: is it so, is it true? Play your story out to the end game. More than likely, your limiting thoughts were the trigger, not your capabilities.
Clear Boundaries Put the Breaks on Shame
Our boundaries reflect who we are and how we relate to others.
When you’re experiencing shame, your boundaries (personal and professional) can quickly become ‘negotiable’ which can lead to resentment, anger, and frustration…and an overwhelming dose of, well, overwhelm.
Here’s a hard truth: most of the time when people push or ignore your boundaries, it’s with your permission. Ouch.
It’s your responsibility to establish and communicate what your boundaries are. Hard to do when shame has you by the ankles.
Boundaries are guidelines for yourself and what you’re willing to tolerate. Treat them like a gate to your most precious garden, guarding your business, your life, family, joy, fulfillment, safety, and success.
Establishing clear boundaries, with an intentional way to communicate them without apology, requires self-compassion, a reality check, and a clear picture of not only what you want, but WHO YOU WANT TO BE.
When you lack boundaries, you can easily become scattered, overwhelmed, and unproductive; creating a lack of self-trust and a sizable case of shiny-object syndrome (or procrastination).
The beautiful thing is, you can only take responsibility for how respectfully you share your boundaries.
It is NOT your responsibility for how the other person reacts…that’s theirs to own and work through.
As Brene Brown says,
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Be clear, kind, intentional, and unapologetic in your boundaries. It will improve your relationships, your business, and your confidence so that shame will no longer shape your success.
Looking for a safe space to explore how shame has shaped your success? Book a complimentary Connection Call with me, or feel free to send me an email, [email protected].
Business Strategy |
Shoulding & Business Strategy
Strategy. It’s how we intentionally achieve what we desire, with more clarity and less effort.
Shoulding. Let’s admit, shoulding all over ourselves as we move towards what we desire is not only NOT working, it creates roadblocks and detours (and a whole lotta angst) along the way.
The more things we feel we ‘should’ do, the more overwhelmed we get and the less productive we become…this is often when procrastination and shiny object syndrome kicks in — ringing true for any of you? I’ll admit it does for me.
When we focus on the ‘shoulds’ repeating in our head, we can easily miss hidden opportunities.
How often do you have thoughts that play over and over, saying you should do more? For example, that you should exercise more, call your mother more, or blog more consistently.
Vision and Business Strategy
Or, perhaps you feel you should spend less energy on social media, networking, or friend that doesn’t support you.
We get so caught up in what we perceive we should and should not do that we lose sight of what we WANT to do, and WHY we want to do it. We lose our vision AND our critical thinking diminishes. This is when strategy gets eaten by shoulding for breakfast.
Here are three ways to stop shoulding and start getting into aligned action that will create a path to your success and happiness rather than adding to the pile of pungent shoulds:
3 Business Strategies for More Relief and Less Shoulding:
Business Strategy #1: Design Your Vision for Your Business and Life
You need a vision with goals for what you want before you can create an aligned action plan to achieve it…instead of a ‘shoulding’ list. Yes, you’ve heard me say this before, and I can’t stress this enough (for anything you want, personal and professional).
Why is having a vision with goals so important?
Because…Let’s admit; VAGUE goals Bring VAGUE Results.
…and vague results can put us into full-on shoulding mode quickly. Things get real damn quick after a few P&Ls with vague results.
Defining your vision becomes a picture of the possible. It becomes a blueprint for an aligned action, a ‘buffer’ if you will, against shoulding, procrastinating, and adding more spinning plates in the air.
A vision supports you to make choices from a thoughtful, reflective place rather than a reactive ‘shoulding’ place. Can you feel the difference in that statement?
We seldom differentiate between the ‘day-to-day busyness’ (email, phone calls, admin, etc.) and the work of growing our business and achieving our goals …. because both are necessary for the survival of our business. Having a crystal-clear vision of what you want, helps cut away the non-essentials in your day and minimize the shoulding.
SUCCESS starts with focus…with your vision. With vision comes clarity, with clarity comes better choices, and better choices bring improved results (and less shoulding).
Business Strategy #2: Establish Clear Boundaries
You could have all the best business strategies in place, but if you don’t have boundaries that support you to (unapologetically) do the work so that you can achieve your goals, your strategy will not work, and you’ll continue to ‘should’ throughout your day, week, and year.
Boundaries are what define the edges for your business strategy, and hence, your business success. They establish what you will do and what you will not do. Boundaries create relief and spaciousness in your day, as well as help you unhook from the constant shoulding.
Business Strategy #3: Accountability
Get an accountability partner that’s going to hold your vision up for you to keep focused on so that you will continually make choices that are aligned with your goals.
Accountability to your vision and goals is what will be the magnetic pull towards your dreams, rather than a push which has resistance to it (shoulding has resistance to it).
Girlfriends are great, and oh so necessary. Can I get an ‘oh hell yeah’ on that one please?
Out of love, compassion, and empathy, girlfriends will often pour another glass of wine, nod their head in agreement and commiserate rather than hold you accountable to your dreams.
An accountability partner means making a personal commitment. You’re making a personal commitment to yourself, your accountability partner is committing to support you, and you her.
Find a mindful community, expert, or professional coach to be your accountability partner. Someone who has been there. They’ll help keep your eyes, actions, and words focused on your ultimate vision so that you can have the life, business, and career of your dreams.
It’s time for the shoulding to stop.
Need some help silencing the shoulding chatter in your head? I’d love to help. Comment below or shoot me an email.
Boundaries |
Boundaries, Balance, & Business Bliss
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Victor Frankl
~~~
Boundaries are the foundation, the underpinning, to the ‘balance’ we seek, the belonging we crave, and the impact we’re here to make. Without boundaries, we’re building our business on a house of cards, easily disrupted by some hot air…
Boundaries are the bridge that connects us to our self-worth, and as a result, our net worth.
Here are three ways to help you across that bridge:
Boundaries & Self-Worth
Boundaries & Self-Worth
…go together like peas & carrots.
Forget the question, “How would your friends describe you in three words?” The question to ask is, “How would YOU describe you in three words?”
The first question is about how other people view you. Far too often this is what we’re concerned with and focused on, and why our boundaries (and self-worth) continue to feel negotiable.
When we live life through how other people view us, we’re making choices based on how we THINK other people view us. This impacts our confidence, our choices, and (most of all) trust within ourselves.
We’re second-guessing ourselves before we even get out of the gate.
How can we ever feel enough, that WE ARE WORTHY enough to take up the space we seek if we don’t ground our choices in self-trust and intuition?
From the quote at the top, in that space “between stimulus and response” a dynamic tension is created, inviting us to choose wisely so that we can move in the direction of our power, personal alignment, and greatest impact, rather than away from it.
We’re so focused on getting ahead or not falling behind that we forget we have the right to choose what we want and what we don’t want.
Focus on building your self-worth and your net-worth will naturally follow. Clear boundaries help to create, support, and sustain both.
Boundaries & Stress
Boundaries help reduce stress.
The challenge is, setting healthy boundaries can be a bit stressful! But it’s short-lived stress rather than the long-term stress of anger and resentment that can take over when we lack boundaries.
Up until just a few years ago, I was the queen of saying yes; doing for others first and putting my, and my business, needs on the back burner (as an aside, this is a very hard way to build a business…). It’s what was emulated for me growing up and the lens through which I saw and experienced life. Like gravity, it was there but I didn’t recognize it…it just ‘was’.
Continually adding to my already overflowing plate created a great deal of stress and overwhelm, and a healthy serving of resentment. I would then get pissy at the other person, all because I chose to say yes. Any of this ringing true for you?
Once I realized and owned that I am always at choice, I committed to choosing what brought me joy. This, ultimately, brought more joy to those important to me…and a lot less stress for everyone involved.
You know the old proverb, “hindsight is 20/20?” #truthbomb
Boundaries play a pivotal role in creating the work-life balance we’re so desperately seeking. With almost 1.8 billion searches on Google for work-life balance, there’s no arguing we’ve got some serious stress and overwhelm going on.
Establishing clear boundaries, and sticking to them, helps alleviate stress and frustration. They’re what support you to say no to what’s throwing you out of balance, or as I prefer to say, out of alignment.
Just because people want to put things on your plate because you’re good at something (or they just don’t want to do it) doesn’t mean you need to say yes.
Imagine what life will be like when you’re more empowered and less at the mercy of circumstances and other people’s expectations, needs, or demands.
Yes, there are a lot of things you CAN do, so the question needs to shift from “How do I achieve more” to “HOW DO I WANT TO LIVE?”
Kind of feels like a Calgon moment, right?
We all need space and support to do our best work. Boundaries help you find and connect with a community where you can be who you are and grow into who you want to be…a place where you can be seen, heard, and belong instead of pinching off parts of yourself to fit in.
Community Is Important
Finding your Sisterhood, your community, will be critical to your thriving. We all need some #boundarybearing sisters around us.
Boundaries & Emotions
Expect disappointment and anger, but don’t accept it.
I call it, The Toddler Effect. You know that toddler in the grocery store who knows exactly what pitch he needs to reach to make the parent uncomfortable enough to throw him a candy bar AND bag of marshmallows to appease him?
When we start establishing boundaries and changing things up, it can unleash some serious emotions for the people around us. Again, expect it, but don’t accept it.
Be transparent in your new direction and boundary setting. If you’ve always picked up the kids after school or been the one to stay late and wrap up the project, you’ve agreed to participate in that dance. Be clear, intentional, and thoughtful when you share what you will do and won’t do, that’s your responsibility. HOW the other person reacts is not.
People are allowed to be pissed off or disappointed just as you’re allowed to align your choices, goals, and behaviors with the life you want.
Our boundaries are not about others. Ultimately, they’re about us. It’s our opportunity to align, or rather realign, with who we are and who we want to be.
Other people’s emotions are not yours to own or fix.
Communicating clear, effective boundaries will help you to unlock your most powerful potential, without apology.
Boundaries Bonus Point:
What one boundary would make the greatest impact on your happiness, and hence, success? And, when will you commit to it?
I’d love to hear what you choose. If you’re willing, comment below or shoot me an email!
Boundaries ARE the Bridge…
Time Management |
Breaking Plates & Establishing Priorities
“Fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging.”
– Brene Brown
Brene Brown’s quote jolted me awake as I was leisurely sipping my coffee and enjoying my morning reading a few weeks ago. It stopped me mid slurp and made me think deeply (no easy feat at 5:30am) how the need to fit in over the years has at times pinched me off from my gifts, my success, my happiness…my authenticity.
It’s not something I’m comfortable admitting.
To be honest, it makes me cringe a bit.
But I believe it’s more important to share because as a woman who is confident, independent, and most definitely boundary bearing, I still find myself on occasion choosing to hustle for my worth…putting my priorities on the back burner while accommodating the expectations of others.
My ‘fitting in’ of choice over the years was the belief I needed to do it all to be a whole woman as a person in business.
Run a successful business, chauffeur my kids to multiple events (a day), always make family and friends a priority, keep a clean house, work out, keep my shit together, and, of course, make it look easy. And still get a good night’s sleep. Is this ringing true for you too?
I’ve experienced this many times in my 27-years as a business owner.
It’s something I see and hear consistently through my work with women.
We continue to add more and more spinning plates in the air, believing that we can balance them all.
I call BS.
We can selectively choose which plates to set down (instead of break) and which to keep as a priority.
It’s important to choose. It’s important to stay one step ahead of dropping a plate, or three. Or maybe the whole damn lot.
Don’t let the breaking plates determine what you do and don’t do.
You get to decide what’s a priority, where you place your focus, and what drops out of focus, instead of stopping to clean up the pieces of broken plates that inadvertently fell.
You’ve got to be clear on your priorities because let’s be honest, ‘WHO’ are those breaking plates? Your children? Your aging parents? Your clients? The people you lead at work? YOU?
Which plates are you breaking each time you add to the plethora you already have up there spinning when you say yes to someone else’s priority? When you accommodate, adjust, fit in, ignore your intuition, and move your boundaries…again?
Priorities
It’s important to say, “these are the things I need to do to accomplish everything I want to accomplish…and there simply isn’t enough time. AND, I get to decide what goes into the priorities and alignment of my life.”
Give yourself the gift of slowing down for an afternoon so that you can get clear what and who you want to be, what you want to create.
There are 24-hours in a day for everyone, no wiggle room there.
How will you prioritize and structure those 24-hours?
How will you fit in your self-care? How will you build in your work, parenting, family & friends, personal and professional growth…your belonging?
What do you need so that you can say no to what’s pulling you off course from your goals and putting your priorities on the back burner, adjusting yourself for the expectations or needs of others?
It’s about aligning with your priorities.
It’s not about balance.
It’s not about keeping 457 plates spinning in perfect balance.
Create your vision then align your goals and daily actions with who and where you want to be. Without apology.
Powerful possibilities come with prioritizing. This I know for sure.
As a result of my epiphany that morning, it has put a megawatt spotlight on the work I do with women, as well as my WHY.
Clarity is a beautiful thing. It’s impossible to make intentional and aligned choices in our life, and business, without it.
It can also be a double-edged sword at times… highlighting areas that we’d prefer to keep out of view, from others as well as ourselves. This was the case for me as I was enjoying my coffee that morning.
Digging deeper, becoming more grounded in my gifts and my brilliance (how dare I claim my brilliance for fear of getting too big for my britches…), I was able to see I was the one getting in my way, choosing to experience life through a lens that kept me over-balancing and out of alignment.
When I read those eight little words that morning, it jolted me awake and into alignment, like a chiropractor…with no copay. Win-win.
Vision |
Joy Happiness Fulfillment
As business owners, we’re often seeking more of each (and money as well, but that tends to be a result of creating a life full of joy, happiness, and fulfillment, not the cause).
In last week’s blog, I shared studies on the importance of self-care and how it improves our physical, emotional, financial, social, and happiness levels.
Ya gotta love studies that show self-care helps improve our well-being as well as our bottom line. That alone increases my happiness quotient.
This week, I bring a touch of the Velvet Hammer to my message.
To increase joy, happiness, and fulfillment (and yes, $$) in our lives, we need to take more of an active, intentional role in creating it. We need to make it a priority and align our actions with what we want to experience.
It’s not a “Well, that would be nice”, but more of a…
“Oh hell yeah, that’s a non-negotiable” feeling of fulfillment.
We need to deliberately align with and CHOOSE joy, make room for it…and that sometimes means making uncomfortable decisions.
Decisions that also make others uncomfortable, frustrated, and let’s be honest, pissed off.
As a result, we tend to step back and choose their comfort over ours.
Their joy and happiness over ours.
Their success over ours.
It’s not sustainable…or authentic.
Ouch.
Again, making your happiness a priority WILL INCREASE success in every area of your life, even if at first it may ruffle a few feathers.
Taking an active role and being intentional will help you feel more empowered and more in control of your life and business, and less the mercy of circumstances or people.
You’ve got to be willing to sit with the discomfort of choosing your Self, your joy, and your SUCCESS before you’ll be able to confidently and consistently unhook from the reaction and discomfort of others.
Joy, happiness, and fulfillment are on the other side of discomfort.
Ready to get comfortable with the uncomfortable so you can create more of what you want? Let’s set up a complimentary Alignment Review call and get you moving where you want to go.
